Over the River and Through the Woods

Insanity: Day 21

2011-05-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

So, I've missed a couple days. Not as many days as I missed blogging about it, but nonetheless......

I'm really starting to hate Insanity! Yesterday was Pure Cardio and I hated every minute of it! I'm starting to hate Shaun T, even if he is gorgeous.....Stupid mountain climbers, I hate them sooo much. (mountain climbers are on of the ridiculous exercises that he makes me do) He always says "I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just trying to make you better" I don't believe him. I think he hates me as much as I hate him and he's trying to destroy me by crushing my soul. I want to quit, I really do. I miss going to the gym. I used to look forward to going to the gym, now I dread my Insanity workout. All day long, I put it off. And then I finally drag my butt to the dvd and do my stupid workout. Am I going to stop? Probably not. I was down 2 pounds at the beginning of the week. I'm back up those same 2 pounds though......How discouraging is that???

I'm really terrified about month 2. I thought that by this point the workout would be getting easier, but alas, they are not.

Well, that was yesterday. Today is a new day. Time to go do my Insanity.....

Insanity: Day 16

2011-05-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

Day 16.......Plyometric cardio circuit.

Back to the grind, although honestly I think that's putting it lightly.

I was tired today. Too many late nights (catching up on Dexter), not enough food before the workout. There are about hundred things that will make an Insanity workout harder to get through. I don't know of anything to make them easier though.

Can I just say I hate mountain climbers? I hate mountain climbers. Shaun T is a hard person to dislike, but every time he says "mountain climbers" I want to throw something at him.

No weight loss to date, but as per last post, I've been slacking a bit. I do have guns though. Yep, I totally just said guns. I've never had biceps before. It shows in my workouts. I'm getting through more and more push-ups, suicide jumps, level 1 drills......it's awesome!

My legs have more shape than they've ever had. No amount of running and squats and leg presses at the gym brought these kind of results. The program works! Okay, I'll stop now that I sound like an infomercial.

Insanity Day: 15

2011-05-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

So....... I'm ashamed. Very Ashamed. I've been a bad Insanity devotee. It's been crazy busy and I've done all the workouts, but it took me 2 weeks to get through week 2. :(

I hate missing the workouts. I really committed myself to the program, and wanted to stick to the schedule. I'm not a quitter.

I'm back on track now. I have a new resolve, but I'm also realistic, May is a super busy month. I'm going to have to find a way to make sure I'm not skipping workouts.

Today was my second fit test. I was nervous, especially because I had been off track. I did well though. There was definite progress.

Here are the results:

Switch kicks: wk 1- 39 wk 3-54

Power jacks: wk 1-48 wk 3-60

Power knees: wk 1-76 wk 3-83

Power jumps: wk 1-25 wk 3-32

Globe jumps: wk 1-8 wk 3-12

Suicide jumps: wk 1-12 wk 3-13

Push-up jacks: wk 1-10 wk 3-18

Low plank oblique: wk 1-45 wk 3-62

There it is. I'm not posting any before and after photos until I'm thrilled with the after's but I'm taking the pics every 2 weeks so that at the end I can see the changes!

Insanity: Day 10

2011-04-20T15:09:00.000-07:00

Today was my hardest day yet. I was unmotivated in the first place. I mean I really had to force myself to put on the sports bra and tennies and turn on the dvd player. It was Plyometric Cardio and I was tired.

Once I got into it, it was a battle for my mind. I was in my own head, the little voices were saying "it's okay to stop, you don't have to do this" Shaun T was telling me to "Dig Deeper". I had to keep telling myself to stay in it, I'll be proud of myself once it's done. More voices saying "your legs hurt too bad, just stop"

Yep, I totally have voices inside my head. They are the voices of the fat girl that lives inside me. She is always trying to escape. She's the same girl that tells me to eat ice cream at 9pm while watching grey's anatomy. I'm trying to kill her. Seriously.

I made it through. I think that I had my eyes closed for most of it. I had to stay focused, I couldn't look at the clock, I couldn't think about how bad it hurt. I just had to DO IT! In turn, I think I pushed myself harder than any other day, simply because I had to.

Honestly, that is what I love about physical challenges. The pushing through, past what feels possible, and realizing that nothing can hold you back. I have it in ME.....It's like the Gatorade commercials- "Is it in you?" Yep, it totally is in me ;)

P.S. I need to buy cushioned inserts for my shoes. The bones in my lower legs are killing me!!!!

Insanity: Day 9

2011-04-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was day9: Pure Cardio again. It sucks. That's all I can say about it. The boys had a field day in their room while I was busy with Shaun T, covering their hot wheels ramp and cars with soap and water, in their bedroom, "to make the cars go faster". So as soon as I finished, I had a mess to deal with.....No rest for me! (Whaaa, Whaaa, Whaaa. I'm such a whiner) :)

Insanity: Day 8

2011-04-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know. I'm guilty.....I took 2 days off instead of 1. I'm sorry Shaun-T! There was just something about going to bed at 4am and getting up at 8:30 to go to work on Sunday and doing 3 massages that made me not want to do Insanity on Sunday. The good news is that I'm back on the regular schedule and Sundays will be my day off. Today was Cardio Power Resistance. Again, I really like this workout. My arms feel like Jello, but it was amazing to me how many more push ups I could do. (tricep pushups and moving pushups.) I know I still have a whole 'nother week before my next fit test, but I'm excited to see my mad results! Peace

Insanity: Day 6

2011-04-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

Yesteday was a busy day, kids home all day, doctors appts for the boys and my brother-in-laws birthday party last night. All day long I was hoping for an hour to squeeze in my work-out, all day it never happened. We got home from the party at just a little after 11 pm, then I had to drive the babysitter home, then Judah wet the bed and I helped Mike get him into dry jammies and back in to bed.

Did I start my workout at 11:50pm last night?.................... You better believe it!

Day 6 was Plyo Cardio again. It was a mind game for me, working out at that hour after such a long day. I pushed through. I knew that I would be proud of myself today, for staying committed. I am. Today is my off day. I had really hoped to go climbing today, since Shaun T wouldn't be punishing me. I don't think it's going to happen. My arms and my legs, are pretty well spent. I think that will be the worst part of the 60 day committment for me. The amount of physicallity required to get through these workouts, is going to take away from some of the other things I love. Like climbing, or the incline, or trail running. It's only 60 days though, actually 49 now ;)

Insanity: Day 5

2011-04-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

Day 5-Pure Cardio, aka Pure Punishment

It was hard. My lungs didn't burn as bad as they did on day 1, so that means something. Mike was home, during this workout. He said is was hard for him to hear me like that. I was making some painful grunting noises, probably pretty similair to the ones that I've made while birthing a baby, (I'm not exaggerating here) during those last couple sets of suicide jumps, push-up jacks, and sprints.

I'm not a quitter. One time during a bootcamp, I was praying(for real, asking God) that I would pass out, so that the wind sprints would stop and they would call the paramedics and firemen would come take care of me....(ooops, did I just say that out loud) ;)

I digress. During Insanity thus far, I keep going until it is no longer physically possible and I collapse, then I get back up and get right back into it. But once I've finished the workout and I'm drinking my protein, I always analyze myself in my head and start to feel like I didn't work hard enough, that I could have done better. Hmmmm, I wonder that's all about.

Insanity: Day 4

2011-04-13T22:43:00.000-07:00

Today was Cardio Recovery. A nice break from the crazy, cardio circuits but man, did my legs burn. Lots of squats and lunges, lots of great stretching. I actually really loved it! I just wished it had of been a little tougher and a little longer. I guess it's called recovery for a reason...... On a side note, I really must say: My eating has been on point! I was slightly de-railed but Rachel's candied nuts this evening. I couldn't help myself. I had a handful :( That's my confession. Tomorrow is Pure Cardio.....I'm skurred

Insanity: Day 3

2011-04-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Shaun T,

Every time you tell me to make sure my core is tight, I want to yell obscenities at you. Why you ask? Well...... all my focus and attention is going towards not passing out, and mainly towards my head not exploding. So quite frankly, the idea of shifting that attention to my abs, would surely be my demise.

Seriously though, todays workout was Cardio Power and Resistance. I actually really liked this workout. It was hard, but I love the feeling of powering through. My legs burned, but once again the push ups were the toughest part for me. One day I'll be strong ;)

Insanity: day 2

2011-04-12T07:51:00.001-07:00

So I didn't exactly get the stellar jump start on Insanity as I had planned, last week. Wednesday was my fit test. Wednesday was also the day that Mike, as he was heading out the door to CA, decided that it would be a great idea for me to try and wrangle up babysitters for the whole weekend, fly out to CA and the spend the weekend with him and the Fergusons. I agreed that it was a FABULOUS idea! So Thursday I spent all day, and long hours into the wee morning getting ready to leave all the kiddos in the capable and loving hands of 3 Awesome ladies (shout out to Tatiana, Elaina and Rachel), packing and cleaning my house. It's no small feat, as anyone with kids can testify! Friday morning, I left for CA and spent just a few short days with Aaron and April, my precious neices and Mike. It wasn't great for "Insanity" but it was great for my soul. (Aprils too, being 37 weeks pregnant sucks) All that to say.... Day 2 of Insanity was Monday!! It was the cardio circuit. Cardio Circuit is intense bursts of extreme cardio followed by a short period of rest, repeat and repeat and repeat. On a couple instances I felt as if my lungs themselves were on fire but that was secondary to the muscle failure. I've actually never felt such an extreme degree of muscle failure in my arms before. Shaun T had us doing these crazy push-ups, followed my a plank with running feet thing, jump up, back down to push ups cycle. Then directly into this plank, jump feet up to the side, back to plank, jump feet to the other side...repeat, repeat...... My arms gave me a giant "SCREW YOU! We're not doing this any more!!" and I would colapse. I always got back up, even if just for a moment. But that was the worst part of it for me, probably because I have spaghetti arms, but that will all change soon! I'll have to say, the inspiring music as you're in the home stretch works. It's as if you're in your gold medal moment and chariots of fire is playing while you cross the finish line in slow motion.....For realsy! Peace out!

Insanity!!

2011-04-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

Day 1 of Insanity: Insane?......yes Today was only the fit test. I made it through, but barely. Once finished, I felt nauseous-nauseous like I used to feel when Mr. Walker would make us run endless stairs. Although, I'm not quite a spry, young teen anymore. I was excited before.....Now, I'm afraid

Identity Crisis

2010-07-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

I was thinking yesterday about how difficult of a year 2010 has been for me personally, however, there has been a lot of progress out of the difficulty. It's almost as if I'm having a late twenties-life crisis. Part of it has been emerging from survival mode for 5 years.....You see when you are preganant and having new babies, you are in survival mode. I have been pregnant or 'just had a baby' for the last 5 years!!!! And now that I've come up for air, I am remembering what it's like to be me. To have things that I want, instead of just trying to survive. It's been nice, but also fairly depressing. I look around and think, what happened to me? Where am I? I am a mother, but that is not all that I am. My identity is not my children. I've never wanted it to be that way, but as I was struggling through the day to day, I felt like all the parts of "me" (just Alicia) that make me the exciting, fabulous person I am ( hee hee) were slipping away. I've had the dark and twisties for sure. But the flip side of that is how motivating it has been. I've got a lot done this year and I'm not done..... So far this year I have:
-FINALLY, got my massage liscense transferred to Colorado!!! (yeah, I procrastinated on that one for 3 years) Hit me up, I'm officially in business now!
-I FINALLY had my surgery done! I've only been talking about that one for 12 years. I'm glad I waited, till after my babies, but it has been one of the best things I have ever done!!!
-Yesterday I FINALLY had my head shots taken so that I can get an agent in Denver and get back into what really makes me feel alive. I've been dragging my but on that one for a while. You see, when you have babies, it takes a long time to feel great about your body. And when you are always pregnant, it's hard to convince and agent to represent you and send you out on auditions. (I never actually tried, but I'm assuming)
-I am finally getting my body back to pre-baby form. I've been working out like a champ, but I feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time....And I did the incline, and loved it! (if you aren't from colorado springs and don't know what the incline is, look it up!)

I've had a shift in my thinking a bit. Whilst sucked up in baby land, I thought that I was only being a good mom if I gave up everything to be with my kids full time. Now I'm realizing that, my kids deserve more than me struggling through every day, feeling like my soul was being sucked out of me, wishing that I could run away (depressing, I know). I'm not saying that, I'm going to start working full time or anything. I would miss my kiddos too much! I really do love being a mom. I love being with my kids, but I think I need more balance in my life. (this is the kind of statement that 2 years ago, I would probably have judged another mom for making. So I apologize to any mom's who I judged in the past for wanting more. I needed to grow)
And to those of you mom's who love every moment at home with your kids, and couldn't imagine doing anything else....I'm not judging you either. You are amazing!

A big change is coming.....

2010-04-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

A brief warning: if you are a man, this post may make you uncomfortable. I don't mind if you keep reading, but you have been warned.

So on that note...............

I have a surgery date! For what you ask? I am having a breast reduction, on May 4th to be exact. I have a lot emotions, swirling around about this. Mostly excitement, but also some nervousness. I have wanted to have this surgery for a very long time, but having a surgery date, as of today, that's just a few weeks away, feels a little crazy.

The size of my...."assets" has been a big part of my life for a very long time. I started developing young and quickly. I remember being in the locker room at the public pool when I was about 13, and a woman (well I remember her being a woman, but she may have just been an older teenager) asked me if "they were real?" Are you kidding, I was child!!!! There were also these teenage boys on my paper route, (I was about 13-14 at the time) that used to yell at me "Hey big tits!" The attention was cruel for a girl in junior high. As I got older, the attention became part of my identity. The lies that I believed, were that my value came from my body. Lies that I have spent years and years trying to overcome. Lies that Satan is still trying to whisper to me as I am moving forward with this operation. Even though I don't believe those lies, it is still pretty scary. Scary to be allowing someone to be do such a severe procedure on something that is such a part of my womanhood.

That's just the emotional stuff, there is also this whole other side that only has benefits and not scary at all. Like, being able to fold a load of laundry with out feeling a burning pain between my shoulder blades. Or being able to wear a bathing suit without getting a headache from the weight pulling down on my neck. Or going into a store and buying a cute dress that actually fits my whole body, instead of having to buy a sz 12 or 14 so that it fits over my chest. I'm so excited!!!! I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in July and I am actually going to be able to wear the cute little strapless dress!!!!!!! I actually had to have straps added to my own wedding dress, so that I would be able to wear it. The possibilities are endless.

It's still scary though. I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of a long recovery, I mean seriously, I have 3 small children that need me to be awesome (hee hee). I am trying to plan a FABULOUS Alice in Wonderland tea party for Brooklyn's 5th birthday, just 20 days after surgery....what if I can't do it? I'm intimidated by the inevitable scars. I'm afraid that I still won't be able to find dresses and bras and bathing suits that fit me. (I know that one doesn't make any sense, but I am trying to undo many years of psychological shopping hell in these areas)

Fear or not though, I am moving forward. Moving forward to a new me.
I will keep you all updated as my surgery gets closer and as it actually happens. (I'll have some down time as I recover)
Thanks for listening!

Morning Suprise!

2010-04-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

How does one vomit all over themselves and their bed and just keep on sleeping in it all night? I have no idea, but that is precisely what my Judah-man did last night. So this morning when he came into my room and curled up in my bed right next to me, I had no idea that he was covered in puke, and neither did he. What a lovely morning surprise! Although given the choice between discovering it in the morning or being up with a kid in the middle of the night who puked in his bed, having to change sheets and feeling obligated to bathe the pukey child. I would totally choose him sleeping in it all night and not knowing or caring. Especially 'cause he was sleeping in Brooklyn's bed with her last night and that would have meant waking up BOTH of them to change sheets and such. (Judah was at the foot of the bed and Brooklyn was untouched by the puke) I'm pretty sure that all this makes me sound like a bad mom....but what can I say? I really like my sleep. Feel free to judge me accordingly ;)

It's been a LONG 3 weeks

2010-04-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

All I wanted tonight, was to get the kids in bed and go to bed early......HA!
As of 8:45 all 3 were still awake.

It's been a LONG 3 weeks. My man has been "working" all over Europe. (Amsterdam, Geneva, Brussels, Venice, Rome...to name a few. I know, he has it hard)

Back here at home I am way outmatched. There is 3 of them and only 1 of me. They make more mess than me. They make more noise than me. They have more energy than me.

When I have them one on one, I feel hopeful. There was a moment tonight-Brooklyn was cleaning her room, Judah was still in the tub and I was lotioning and jammying Joel. But then I had to buddy two of them back up for bedtime. Brooklyn and Judah are usually the worst combo at bed time, so I made the choice to put the boys together. BAD CHOICE! 30 minutes later, I moved Judah to Brooklyn's room, but it's 9:13 and I in fact just had to pause from writing, go upstairs, hand out 'discipline', and put Judah in my room. (I put them all in bed originally @ 7:30)
Why didn't I just put Judah in my bed in the first place? 'Cause remember my goal all along was to go straight to bed.

I still have to pay bills, dinner is not cleaned up and tomorrow will be a busy day. We have friends from Zambia in town. I LOVE this family! They went to our church in FL, heard the call on their life and moved to Zambia with their 8 kids to open a ranch for street boys. They are on sabbatical, touring the US, and in town for the weekend. Tomorrow afternoon they are coming to hang out with their 9 kids. I'm very excited, and not at all intimidated about having all 11 of them in my house-it just means that I need to get my house picked up. Like I said, it's been a long 3 weeks. Mike is so sad that he's missing the Walkers (family from Zambia), but he gets home soon. Only 3 more days.

While I was sorting the mail to pay the bills, I found a letter from the Wynn, Las Vegas offering us a really great rate on a 3 night get-a-way. That sounds REALLY nice right about now, but I would happily take just a morning off.

"I'm Holding On to You"

2010-03-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

"I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is a lie that's come true

And I fall in love
With the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you

Sing it out
Sing out loud
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody"
-Switchfoot

I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "My world is lie that's come true" and how that has been played out in my own life. I am broken and wounded. I'm also healed and redeemed, but the wounding is what I am constantly fighting against. How much of that brokeness and wounding in my life started out as lie? (rhetorical question)
A lie that the enemy whispered to me. A lie that I believed instead of believing what God says about me. A lie that I then lived out and let it become a part of me. The enemy is always going to be telling us lies- you're not a good mother, you're not pretty enough, you're a failure....etc.
The question is, do we allow those lies to become our world? I stumble around in deception all the time. In the moment, it seems easier than faith. I love what Kelly (my pastor) said about faith- "It is simply, 'Take what is left of me, make it a melody' "

I think I can handle that. Somedays my brokeness doesn't leave much left of me, but HE doesn't mind. After all He created us from dust!

New Years!

2010-03-24T10:35:00.001-07:00

Well, last night I got our New Years cards/picture put in envelopes, addressed and stamped!! YEAH. My goal was to have them sent out by Easter. This is actually the first time that I have ever even sent out Christmas cards. (they were supposed to be Christmas cards, but by the time I got them ordered it was New Years) I know there are lots of Mama's that are just as busy as I am, but it's not a huge priority for me, so it ends up on the back burner. Although, with the foot of snow sitting in my front yard right now, it doesn't seem like I'm that late getting my cards out. If the weather doesn't know it's spring, how am I supposed to :)
If you live here in Colorado, and see my kiddos all the time, don't expect to get one. If it takes me 3 1/2 months to send out cards, they're only making it to our friends and family that live far away, Sorry!

NO Coffee For YOU!! (think soup nazi)

2010-03-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

Taking the baby weight off this time has been an up and down battle. I think this is for more than just 1 reason.
1.) My body doesn't trust that I'm not about to just get pregnant again anyway, so what's the point? (yes, my body does have it's own mind)
2.) My kids are older and therefore we are busier, so it's harder to find time to get to the gym. AND more stress means more late night eating of ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, and wine
3.) One more kid around means the odds will be higher that one of the kids is sick and therefore, I can't stick them in childcare at the gym.

That third one is always the most damaging for me. It seems that without fail, every time I get into a really good groove-meaning I don't have to drag my butt there, I'm excited about my workouts and I'm seeing progress-somebody gets sick. And you all know that once one gets sick, it will move through the ranks one after another. This could mean 2 weeks away from the gym. If that doesn't kill your motivation......

The point of all this, is that I have given myself a little challenge. I have a goal in mind, it's not the 'BIG' goal, but it is a step along the way to my ultimate fabulous self ;) Until I reach that goal, I am not letting myself have any coffee. No starbucks, no morning coffee with yummy coffee mate creamer-the one high fructose corn syrup product that I can't bring myself to ban from the house. For those of you that know me, this is going to be very motivating! I love my coffee, probably too much. Some could even say that I'm addicted. I don't drink coffee all day or anything, but I love my morning fix. And when I don't get it, I think about it all day. And when I finally do get it, it makes feel happy. Like truly happy in my brain. (It was Dave Houle that helped me realize....That's an addiction.)
So if any of you see me twitching out, or rocking myself in the corner trying to find my happy place, you'll know why. Hopefully everyone stays healthy (knock on wood) and in 2 weeks or so, I'll be back to my happy place: a grande, non-fat latte in my hand and a twinkle in my eye

Memories.....

2010-03-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

I'm reaching an age where my childhood memories don't feel so real anymore. Not the important ones-the ones that have shaped you or burned themselves deep into your heart. I'm talking about the fond memories that you think about and smile. Although, they don't feel like mine anymore.....Some have them have faded away into a fuzzy little place in my mind. When I remember them, I could just as easily be remembering an episode of Full House or a story I read in the readers digest on my gramma's coffee table. I hate it that they aren't vivid anymore. I have a great memory and remember almost everything. Remembering is different than feeling though. I wish I could still feel how exciting is was to hold the 'Penny Fair' in our backyard for all the neighborhood kids or what it felt like to walk down the stairs on Christmas morning and see my brand new, red, 10 speed sitting by the Christmas tree. Even the time that Elaina scared me into hyperventilation....I can't feel it anymore. It feels so far away. Oh well, I guess the trade off is new memories.
I can still feel the euphoria that rushed over me immediately following the birth of all 3 of my precious children. I can still feel pure joy as Brooklyn and I rolled around in the grass waiting for Mike's truck to pull onto our street after work. Or how she used to talk to Judah in my belly. Or the physical pain in my body when she burned her leg on my brother's motorcycle. Or how adorable Judah was when he talked like a caveman (me, no want potty) or ran around singing "vote for women!" with his little fist held high (from Mary Poppins). My memories with Joel are all pretty fresh...today in the car he was singing "Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh" along with All the Single Ladies. When I change his diapers, he likes to cover his face with his blankie and laugh hysterically while hidden. He thinks that he's hilarious and laughs so hard his whole body shakes. Good Memories. I wish that they would never get fuzzy.

Bye, Bye Paci's

2010-03-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

Brooklyn and Judah both had their pacifiers taken away at 9 and 10 months respectively. I figured that if I did it that early, there wouldn't be much a fight and save myself the battle later. I still believe this to be true, however here we are, Joel is 16 months and still has the 'paci'. Everytime over the last several months that I decided I was going to take them away, he either got sick, or we were about to take a plane trip, or he was cutting teeth....and he's a third baby so my resolve is not quite as strong. Either way, now I am experiencing a bit of a battle. Joel was sick last week, but he is all better this week so now I've got to get rid of them. He only has them @ nap and bed, or if we're in public and he's having a major meltdown, but man does he LOVE them! Whenever I get him out of his bed I say "Joel, leave it in your crib" and he procedes to take out his 'paci', throw it, and then throw himself down screaming. Every time I say "are you ready for night, night?" He says "pi?" (that's what he calls it) Quite often Joel will make the trip all the way upstairs, reach through the crib slats, grab his 'paci' come all the way back down stairs knowing full well that as soon as I see him, he's going to have to give it to me. He'll crawl into the kitchen with paci in mouth and all I have to do is look at him and he'll take it out and throw it at me.

Yesterday, in a move of bravery, I went ahead and just cut a hole in them. I heard that babies won't want them once they don't have the suction.....we'll see. For now, Joel is perfectly content to chew on his 'pi' and suction or not, this morning we still went through the same "leave it in the crib" routine. I am not sure if I want to endure the consequences of taking them cold turkey. Being a third child and all, I would rather him not scream through his nap. With the first 2 I was much tougher. I totally get why third kids are "spoiled" or siblings think they are favored. It's because by the time you have to deal with the older kids fighting over toys, and 4 yr old girl drama, and 3 yr old boy whining, you kind of just want to give the baby anything to keep him from crying. So we'll see if my resolve can last.......or if Joel still has a paci when he starts kindergarten :)

The sickies

2010-03-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

Oh Man we have the sickies around here! Sunday night Joel threw up, in the middle of the night and then wouldn't sleep except on my chest. He was dead to the world, until I tried to put him back to bed, we tried that a couple times and then I just gave up and watched a movie on the couch @ 4am. The last 2 nights Brooklyn and Judah have taken turns waking me up all night on and off. Judah is sick, and his crying keeps waking up Brooklyn, however when I bring him to my room, Brooklyn is hysterical 'cause she wants to sleep in my room too. ARRRGHH. Last night I finally gave up and just put Judah in my bed, although he kicked me all night long and Brooklyn doesn't think it's fair that he got to sleep in my bed. So, after 3 nights of practically no sleep, Momma is getting sick now!!! I told Mike last night that after a few more nights of this, I'm going to a hotel this weekend.....and I'm not joking!

Twilight Zone

2010-02-26T10:21:00.000-08:00

So this morning I woke up at 9:00 am, all by myself. No little people around. I thought to myself, did Mike stay home from work and have the kids sequestered. Then I thought maybe it's Saturday. But then, even on a Saturday, Judah still comes in @ 6:30 and Mike and I draw straws to see who has to get up. So I got out of bed and went out to the hall. The door to Brooklyn and Judahs room was closed. There weren't even any sounds coming from downstairs. The only sound I heard was the soft voice of Joel coming from behind his door, sitting in his crib, talking quietly to himself. I went into Joels room, got the little man up, and he and I spent some alone time downstairs. I never get alone time with Joel! I even got him to take a couple steps. (It's a big deal...the little man will not walk!) We got about 20 min together before I heard Judah's voice at the top of the stairs. Judah was just as suprised as I was that I was out of bed before he was. Judah gets up VERY early, EVERY morning, no matter how late he stays up or how many naps he has missed. And he usually wakes Brooklyn up because he wants someone to play with and Momma doesn't play nice at 6:30.
WOW! What a treat! Mike said he didn't but I'm still wondering if he slipped Judah a sedative before leaving for work :)

The birthday post

2010-02-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

Another year has passed and today is my birthday. It's been a weird one. Not because I'm being faced with "getting older" although, I am. When I see college kids, they look like babies to me. Watching the olympics this year, I've noticed that I'm older than most of the olympians. But it's not my age that's got me down. In fact, I've felt for most of my life that my birth certificate was a few years off. I've always "lived" a few years beyond my age. I'm still young, but I do feel like my youth is gone. Your youth is all about your dreams and ambitions, new experiences, choices, stary eyed hopes for the life you want. I think I can safely say, that stage of my life is over. Pardon my cynicism, but this is it. Married, 3 kids, 2 mortgages, 2 cars. My "career" has come and gone. No more stary-eyed dreams, no more choices (other than making mac n' cheese or sandwhiches for lunch) - just 'life'. Making the decision each day to me a good mom and wife. I love my kids, they are my little balls of sunshine. I wouldn't take away one minute of my time with them. But let me be brutally honest here, being the Mom of three preschoolers is not really all that fulfilling. Maybe I'm just a freak. I'm sure there are lots of full-time mommies that feel totally fulfilled in the laundry, and whining, and diapers, and discipline, and cooking but I'm just not there. It's not all bad, don't get me wrong. There's lots of giggles, and cuddles and playing barbies and batman, and walks to the park and kitchen dance parties, but in the end I'm still bored.
I'm also not so naive, to think that the grass is greener, 'cause it's not. We live in a sinful world, full of sinful people. And we are always going to be struggling with our sinful nature against our Heavenly Father and what he wants from us. Nobody said it would be easy. But this is what I do know to be truth. I am a daughter of The King. He has redeemed my life. He has showed me grace and hope and love, when I deserved it not. He continues to restore me in ways that I thought would always be broken. Even when I fight against Him, I know he looks on me with love and compassion. He knows what I need, more than what I think I want.
So that's that. For those of you that think I need an anti-depressant...maybe I do, but I'm not so short-sighted to think that this is how it will always be. Life is full of ebb and flow. Highs and Lows. Let me be dark and twisty for a bit and later I'll snap out of it and laugh about how lame I was, back when.
It's not pretty, but it's honest.

Big Project #1

2010-01-07T13:50:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I took it upon myself to tackle the office. It was supposed to be Mike's space and I was to have no say, his stuff, his space. However, it was a big, giant junk pile. Last spring, I said "Listen babe, that office is totally unusable space. You're not using it, so I will give you until August to clean it up and use it or it's mine!" (I don't usually lay down the law with my husband, but this was something I felt pretty strong about)

It has literally been a death trap! So yesterday I felt inspired and dove right in!

BEFORE:

Last night, I felt very accomplished as I turned the light off and headed to bed. Not quite done, but well on it's way.

Last night at closing time ;)

That big black garbage bag was the 3rd load of grabage!

The trade off however is the giant pile of stuff in my living room, waiting to be organized and put in happy containers and boxes back into the office. I am heading to Target after Brooklyn's ballet class to buy organzing supplies.

I still hate the color on the walls ( I would have painted it chocolate brown) and the monstrosity of a desk that Mike built when it was still his office ;) However the aesthetics of it will have to wait for another time. Functionality is my goal. And, the walls in my living room/dining room/ entry/stairs are unpainted except for the random splotches where I have tested colors. That will be my next big project........

I'll post pictures of the finished office once I get everything put back in :)

Art!

2010-01-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

We have had a naked wall over our fireplace mantle for 3 years, except at Christmas time when I hang a wreath. I just couldn't find the right piece of art to hang there. ( not like I am some sort of art connoisseur, but I like what I like) I could have just given up and hung a big family picture, or something that I didn't LOVE, but I held out. And there it was.....Perfect! I found a piece of art for over my mantle that I love. Now I don't know if it can really be called art, because I bought it at Target, but I LOVE it nonetheless. And every time I walk into the room and see it sitting on the mantle (it isn't hung yet, just resting there) I feel happy and satisfied!

What you may not be able to tell from the picture is that, the tree is just wood grain. I know I'm lame. I am quite certain that any of you who really know anything about art are laughing at me, but I waited 3 years for it!

Hey Judah!

2010-01-02T10:18:00.000-08:00

There are so many moments in my kids lives that I wish I could videotape. The little precious, moments that by the time you get the camera are over, or even if you do get the camera in time, they will stop as soon as they see it. One of those came this morning after 'Family Breakfast'. We all love the Beatles song "Hey Jude" (obviously because of our own little Judah). But Judah, loves this song. I mean how awesome is it to have a song about you? Well, this morning as family breakfast was wrapping up, I turned my ipod to the song and my little Judah man let loose. Dancing with his whole body, laughing and singing the "Na, Na, Na Naa Naa Na, Na, Na , Na Na Naaa, HEY JUD(AH), at the very top of his lungs. Awesome, I never want to foget those moments! For as much as he makes me crazy and sometimes I wish I could duct tape his mouth closed and glue his hands together.....He is such a joy and his wild personality makes his hugs the absolute squeeziest and when he gives me kisses, he really means it! I love you dude!

BTW, my husband bought me an awesome ipod dock for Christmas, that made this mornings kitchen dance party possible. Thanks Babe! I love it!

The Cost of Conviction

2009-11-24T14:05:00.000-08:00

Well today I can tell you exactly what the cost of conviction is. It is $5.99 for a package of free range organic roasted chicken breast lunch meat!!! My kids are not PB&J sandwich kids. They eat turkey/chicken sandwiches almost every day. That was one of the things that I had never thought of when deciding that I would only by organic, free range meat. But as I kept telling myself at the grocery store while wrestling with the cost of organic lunch meat...."Either I believe that this is right or I don't." And I do believe that this is the right thing to do. It still hurts a little though.
It did inspire another conversation with Brooklyn about doing the "right" thing even though it's hard.

Life Changing Film!

2009-11-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

The documentary Food Inc, by filmaker Robert Kenner takes a hard look at the food we are eating, where it is coming from and the politics behind the food industry. Let me tell you people, this film is shocking and at least for me LIFE CHANGING! There are so many reasons why you NEED to watch this film. Ignorance is not bliss. There were some very shocking things about bacteria such as ecoli and salmonella in the meat products you are eating and the SHOCKING origins of ecoli. They also tried to uncover the corruption in the beurocratic and political arenas that are supposed to be protecting us such as the FDA, and the USDA. However for me, these were not the things that have changed my views on the meats and animal products I will be buying.
Now, I am not a crazy 'animal rights' type person. I believe that God gave us animals as food, but in saying that I also believe that God gave us dominion over the animals and therefore we are responsible for how these animals are being treated. In watching this film I saw chickens who were so fat (pumped up with homones, to make them bigger, faster, because we all love those big, white meat, boneless skinless chicken breasts) that they can not support the weight of their own legs, and either don't move or have broken legs. The chickens never even see the light of day. Cattle that are sick, because they are being fed corn instead of grass. Cows that never see a pasture and stand ankle deep in their manure, until they are loaded into a truck to be slaughtered. I just don't think that we are being responsible stewards of what God has given us to take care of.
Last Saturday night we had a mouse in our gargage and I set a trap to get it. On Sunday morning, the kids were anxious to see if we had caught the mouse. Now I did not really want the kids to see the dead mouse, but they were insistent and I decided to let them have a peak anyway, and then we would talk about it. Sure enough we went out to the garage, and in our trap was a little, dead mouse. It brought up some really great conversation between Brooklyn and I about how God gave us authority over the animals, but that also means that we are responsible to take care of them. She wanted to know why I killed the mouse and I told her because the little mouse already knew how to get into our garage and the last mouse found it's way into the house, and that they will chew holes in the wall and poop on stuff. This satisfied her curiosity. But while watching this documentary about where our food is coming from I was reminded of my conversation with Brooklyn and what it means for us to have authority over the animals.
I felt horrible for the way our food industry is handling the animals, and feel like it is irresponsible and immoral to support these practices. I have always known that organic meats are a better choice for the health of my family, and when on sale I would buy them. Most of the time, however I would make a choice in favor of my budget and but the cheaper meats, but I can't do that anymore.

I feel morally compelled to vote with my dollar, and back-up what I believe about our responsibilty to the creatures God placed us over, and only buy organic, free range, grown the way God intended meats. It's going to be a hard road sometimes, Organic meat is Expensive, but that's the beauty of our wonderful capitalistic society. We have a choice to vote with our dollar, and the larger demand that there is for chicken and beef raised the way God intended, the industry will follow suit and things can change. But as long as people keep demanding, giant hormone filled, grown in 48 days by genetic engineering instead of 5 months, boneless skinless chicken breasts for $1.99 a lb, there will never be any change in the industry. Even if only to model to my children that we are responsible for the choices we make, and that choosing to do the right thing IS important.

2009-11-18T13:50:00.000-08:00

We had a busy weekend with lots of firsts! Saturday Brooklyn was invited to a roller skating birthday @ Skate City. Her first time one skates. It was a little rough at first, but once we got her wheels tightened a little, she had a blast.

Yep, that's her wrestling with the boys. They were knocking each other down on purpose. I kept trying to convince her to skate with the girls. But she would much rather play "crash" with the boys

The boys had their first all boys "brother" bath and Brooklyn took her first shower all by herself. (sniff, sniff)

Joel is experimenting with standing up in the tub. Last night we actually had quite the battle where he would stand up, I'd say no, no Joely and make him sit down. He'd get mad and throw himself back, I'd hold his head up while he threw a fit so he didn't drown. When he was done with his tantrum, I'd sit him back up. At which point he would pull himself back up on the side of the tub and we'd repeat the whole process. We did that about 6 or 7 times and then I just got him out of the tub.

Sunday morning was the first big snowfall that the kids got to go out and play this year. I agreed to suit up as well and go help build a snowman.

Brooklyn putting the final touches on our "snow lady"

"TA-DA"

As soon as we came in, and got all un-suited. They climbed onto the couch to stare out the window at their creation. It was adorable!

'Wicked' adventures!

2009-11-14T14:35:00.000-08:00

I have been dying to see Wicked for YEARS! I actually was trying to plan a whole girls trip to L.A. last fall with the sole purpose of seeing it. Instead I had a baby. Naturally, when I heard Wicked was coming to Denver I was overjoyed, especially when Mike called and said he was going to take me to see it. Well, without verbally crucifying my husband on line, I'll just say....the tickets did not get bought and the show was sold out. Thus began the adventure.

I have been trying to find some on Craigslist, ebay, other ticket vendors etc for a couple of weeks, All to no avail. This weekend is closing weekend, so I decided to take matters to the next level. Every night they do a lottery drawing @ 6 pm for tickets to the show, so Elaina and I decided to head to Denver last night to try the lottery. We left @ 4pm which should have got us to the box office for 5:30. Once we got into Denver, the traffic was UNREAL! I think according to the GPS we only had 15 miles to destination, but there we were, on I 25 barely moving. Meanwhile I was developing an ulcer as I watched the time for the lottery drawing come and go. But we pressed on, thinking surely there will be scalpers? When we got to the theatre, we walked around for a few minutes looking for someone who pehaps was trying to profit from our misfortune. Since it was still 1 1/2 hours from the show starting, we decided to grab a quick bite and coffee from a cafe right out front of the theatre where we could scout for shady people with tickets to sell. For those of you who really know Elaina and I, you can imagine how much fun we had doing this. Every person with a back pack or trenchcoat, or ball cap was clearly a scalper (to us) and we tried to track there activity. At about 7 we headed back out to the cold to find us some tickets. There was another couple holding a little sign, looking for tickets so we stole their idea, made a better sign and tried to look more desperate and pathetic.

The first single ticket came within 15 min. A group of ladies from Salt Lake City, a girls trip planned months in advance, one of the ladies couldn't come. We didn't buy the ticket outright, but we exchanged numbers in case we found another single. Another 10 min or so, a family sees our sign, and says they have a single seat. Their son broke up with his girlfriend. A quick call to the ladies from Salt Lake and we were in!!!! My heart was leaping with joy!!!

I actually got choked up during one of the first songs, not beacuse it was an emotional song but I couldn't believe I was finally there, watching WICKED! It was an awesome show. Not even too built up in my mind. Better than I imagined. The music was awesome!

We finally arrived home between 12 and 12:30. Upon my arrival home I found a hallway full of dirty diapers. Someone had dumped out the diaper pail and there were nasty diapers every where. I couldn't even have got into the door of Joels room. ( Mike had to get up to let me in, and as we was sleepily climbing back into bed, said that Judah had probably done it. Mike had found him awake and wondering around at approx 11pm.) Mike climbed back into bed and I cleaned up all the diapers. After taking them out to the trash, I popped into the kids bathroom to wash my hands so that I wouldn't have to turn the light on in our bathroom and there it was.... An entire bottle of Childrens Motrin sitting on the counter, lid off, empty. Now I knew that this was an almost brand new bottle, so immediately I ran to Mike and woke him up with a "WHERE"S THE MOTRIN?" He sleepily looked at me and said "What are you talking about?" I shoved the empty bottle in his face and said "IT'S EMPTY!" Mike jumped out of bed and we ran downstairs to our respective computers and tried to find out about Motrin overdose. After a quick call to Poison Control, they sent me to the ER with some scary words. I believe what she said was "What E.R. will you go to? I'm going to call them and give them all the info and tell them you're on your way. They'll be waiting for you. We need to check his kidneys for Renal function." Those are not the words a mommy wants to hear, let me tell you!

When we got to the E.R. it was not as big of a deal as the woman from poison control thought. They monitored him for a bit, gave him an orange popsicle and sent us home. The very cute doctor told me he might have a tummy ache today, and to keep an eye on him.

Not exactly how I wanted to end my night at the theatre, but so glad I took him in, and very thankful that he was alright!!

2009-11-09T13:26:00.000-08:00

I would like to live someone else's life today. Not trade mine away, just live a different one for today (or maybe a few). It hasn't been the worst day ever. I just woke up feeling like I wanted to get ready for work, and go to a job. Put in my eight hours. Meet some friends for dinner. No responsibilities, no one to take care of, no laundry and kids and husband waiting at home. (see, even when a mommy escapes for a bit there is always stuff waiting for her at home- baths to give, dinner to come up with, markers all over the sheets on the guest bed....)
If you were a fly on a wall in my house this morning you would probably say to me that I sound a lot like the fit Brooklyn threw. Sometimes I let her pick her own clothes and sometimes it's mommy's day to pick. Today I picked out one of her new dresses.( I just bought it a few weeks ago, she has only worn it a couple times) Pink with butterflies, very cute, but she didn't want to wear it. She wanted "new dresses!" I told her that she was having an ungrateful heart. That lots of little girls have no pretty dresses to wear at all, that she needed to put on the dress and change her attitude immediately (she was hiding under her bed, crying).
I am not blind to the irony here. There are millions of people that would give anythng for my life. Loving husband, 3 beautiful, healthy, precious children, house, car, stability. I AM thankful for my life. I would never trade working out of the home for being with my kids. I have a GREAT life. Nonetheless, I still feel the same, today. No need to panic- I'm not in the depths of despair. But I don't think it is necessary to feel fulfilled and sastified in my life every day, at every moment. What I think is more important is making the right choices. To choose to be loving and engaged, regardless of how I feel. To thank God for my family and His calling on my life. and maybe tommorow I won't feel the same.
Not the prettiest and most inspiring post, but it's honest!

Little Boys, Little Boys

2009-11-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

Before I actually had children, I always thought I wanted a house full of boys. Now in my imagination these boys were big, football playing, teenage boys who loved their mamma and came to me to talk about girls, friends, and life. Somehow, I never thought about 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 year old boys who love nothing more than mischief, breaking things, antagonizing, shouting and hitting things and jumping off furniture. My biggest boy is not even 3 yet, but I'm a smart enough gal to know that it's going to get worse before it gets any better. Judah is adorable. Adorable enough that he could hit you in the face and then smile at you, and you can't help to laugh. (I make an extra effort to make sure he knows that he can't just chram his way through life-because most people will let him get away with almost anything...Elaina) And Sweet-oh man is he sweet. His hugs turn me to mush! But he is also a wild animal! The boy never stops moving unless he is sleeping. He won't even sit still to watch a movie-he'll watch for about 8 min-that's the magic number. Then he is rolling around, poking his sister, throwing things at the tv or asking me 300 of the 6000 questions he asks me every day. He is also very generous. He ALWAYS wants to share. When we were potty training he would get 3 little M&M's for pottying, and every time he would want to give one to Brooklyn. Even when she was at school and I would say to him "sweet heart, Brooklyn's at school. Why don't you just eat it?" He would have me set it up on the counter for her.

Today he filled the toilet up with toilet paper and consequently flooded the bathroom (not the first time he's done this) After his spanking, (he knows that he is not allowed to touch the t.p. bacause, again, he was a repeat offender) I asked him if his bum was sore and he said yes. I said "Judah, do you think that your sore bum will help you remember to not play with the toilet paper?" Judah (very matter of factly)-"No." So I said "Well then I might need to give you another spanking so you will remembr. He replied, wailing "It remembers me! It remembers me!"

I know that the days of 'little boy crazy' won't last forever and I pray and strive every day to build that relationship so that one day when I do have big, football playing teenage boys, that they will want to come to me and talk about girls, and school and cars.

And for those of you who remember Brooklyn as a 2 year old......I am exceedingly grateful that Judah's adventures are not of a fecal nature ;)

Halloween

2009-11-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

While out trick or treating with my kids this Halloween, I was extra aware of the "horror" type, costumes and decorations. And I have been pondering some questions to my myself for the last couple days. What do I say to my kids about Halloween and Magic and sorcery. (you'll see where I'm going with this second part in a second.)
For the sake of background, I was raised in a home tha did not Celebrate Halloween. Not only did we just not celebrate it, but we went to a christian school that showed us videos about Satanic cults and told us that babies were killed and sacrificed on Halloween. My mom wouldn't even let us look out the windows at the other kids that were trick or treating. We also were not allowed to watch any movies that contained magic. (No little mermaid, sleeping beauty, Care Bears) Now I want to clarify that I am not making any judgments on anyone elses decisions for their own family I am simply trying to show the different sides.
I take my own kids trick or treating, I think it's fun, they think it's fun. They're adorable in their little costumes. But Brooklyn asked me why we didn't decorate for Halloween and I didn't really have a good answer for her other than that, I just didn't want to. (My friend Heidi has since given me a really great answer that Brooklyn and I talked about: Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving-those are all things that we are celebrating about God and they are special because they teach us about God, but halloween is just fun to dress us and get candy and it's not really special)
But I also don't want to be ignorant. For a lot of people Halloween is about celebrating darkness and fear. I am just trying to figure out for myself where the balance is. I don't want to shelter my kids, I don't think that their relationship with God or their holiness is going to be affected either way by participating or not in Halloween. But I don't want to glorify fear and darkness either. My kids are smart, they are going to have lots of questions.
The second but, pairing aspect with this is the 'magic' I have no problem whatsoever with Brooklyn watching Disney and Barbie movies ( lot's of magic and spells) but when she is playing with her Barbies and I hear talking about 'the evil queen is trying to put a spell on the princess' I know that we need to talk about the difference between magic and miracles, and spells and withcraft. The main point of this post is to put the questions out there. What do you say to your kids? Where do you draw the line? How do you deal with the 'darkness of Halloween? I really do want to hear thoughts and opinions. Let me know! Let's just all remember to be respectful of other peoples choices and opinions in our posts. This is not a black and white issue. I'm pretty sure that the Bible doesn't say "Thou shall not Trick or Treat" so let's not try and be every one elses personal holy spirit :)

Family Breakfast

2009-10-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Mike and I have a really great system worked out where we each get to sleep-in one morning on the weekend so family breakfasts' don't happen very often. Brooklyn has been asking for the last couple weeks to do a family breakfast, so on Saturday morning we let Mike sleep in until about 9:30 and then had a fun breakfast complete with funny face pancakes and bacon. My house still smelled like bacon @ 10:00 that night (gross)

2009-10-20T13:28:00.001-07:00

My first blog.....ever!

So today I sat down to journal, which I only do very sporatically, but would like to be more intentional about it. I thought it would be interesting to flip through and read some old stuff and it certainly was. I came across some notes that I took while listening to Ravi Zacharius speak July-07. The title of the two messages were "Your dissappointments matter" and "Your calling matters" ( I'll get back to my notes on his sermon in a minute)
Sometimes at the hard moments in life I look at myself, 26, 3 kids, stay-at-home mommy and wonder 'how on earth did I end up here?' This is not what I would have chosen for myself. I had different plans for my life, but God called me to this and I obeyed. I didn't end up here because of bad choices, or accidents. I knew that God had a different path for me to follow than what I thought I wanted. So the question I think to myself is 'why is this so hard?' Why is that I sometimes I think that I could be doing something, better more glamorous? Why do I sometimes feel dissappointed with my life. Before I go on, I want to clarify that I love being a mom. I would never change my life for a second and I would never sacrifice the time I have with them to do anything else, But it's hard. Anyone one of you with little ones know, EVERY DAY is hard.
So while flipping through my journal one of the things I noted that Ravi said was
"My God, My God why has thou forsaken me?" 'At the very moment he spoke those words he was at the very center of his Father's will'
Wow! Now I by no means feel forsaken by God. But it struck me hard. Just because I am doing what God called me to do doesn't mean that it's going to be easy. In fact, because it is my calling, I HAVE to be more intentional. I can't just mosey through my days, just "trying" my way through. This is exactly where my Father wants me to be. He knows me better than me, He know my failures, my successes, my hurts. If I am just going through the motions, waiting for it to get easier am I really fulfilling the calling that God has placed on my life.
Sorry, I know this was kind of dis-jointed, but I'll get better, I promise!