Insanity: Day 21

So, I've missed a couple days. Not as many days as I missed blogging about it, but nonetheless......

I'm really starting to hate Insanity! Yesterday was Pure Cardio and I hated every minute of it! I'm starting to hate Shaun T, even if he is gorgeous.....Stupid mountain climbers, I hate them sooo much. (mountain climbers are on of the ridiculous exercises that he makes me do) He always says "I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just trying to make you better" I don't believe him. I think he hates me as much as I hate him and he's trying to destroy me by crushing my soul. I want to quit, I really do. I miss going to the gym. I used to look forward to going to the gym, now I dread my Insanity workout. All day long, I put it off. And then I finally drag my butt to the dvd and do my stupid workout. Am I going to stop? Probably not. I was down 2 pounds at the beginning of the week. I'm back up those same 2 pounds though......How discouraging is that???

I'm really terrified about month 2. I thought that by this point the workout would be getting easier, but alas, they are not.

Well, that was yesterday. Today is a new day. Time to go do my Insanity.....

Insanity: Day 16

Day 16.......Plyometric cardio circuit.

Back to the grind, although honestly I think that's putting it lightly.

I was tired today. Too many late nights (catching up on Dexter), not enough food before the workout. There are about hundred things that will make an Insanity workout harder to get through. I don't know of anything to make them easier though.

Can I just say I hate mountain climbers? I hate mountain climbers. Shaun T is a hard person to dislike, but every time he says "mountain climbers" I want to throw something at him.

No weight loss to date, but as per last post, I've been slacking a bit. I do have guns though. Yep, I totally just said guns. I've never had biceps before. It shows in my workouts. I'm getting through more and more push-ups, suicide jumps, level 1 drills......it's awesome!

My legs have more shape than they've ever had. No amount of running and squats and leg presses at the gym brought these kind of results. The program works! Okay, I'll stop now that I sound like an infomercial.

Insanity Day: 15

So....... I'm ashamed. Very Ashamed. I've been a bad Insanity devotee. It's been crazy busy and I've done all the workouts, but it took me 2 weeks to get through week 2. :(

I hate missing the workouts. I really committed myself to the program, and wanted to stick to the schedule. I'm not a quitter.

I'm back on track now. I have a new resolve, but I'm also realistic, May is a super busy month. I'm going to have to find a way to make sure I'm not skipping workouts.

Today was my second fit test. I was nervous, especially because I had been off track. I did well though. There was definite progress.

Here are the results:

Switch kicks: wk 1- 39 wk 3-54

Power jacks: wk 1-48 wk 3-60

Power knees: wk 1-76 wk 3-83

Power jumps: wk 1-25 wk 3-32

Globe jumps: wk 1-8 wk 3-12

Suicide jumps: wk 1-12 wk 3-13

Push-up jacks: wk 1-10 wk 3-18

Low plank oblique: wk 1-45 wk 3-62

There it is. I'm not posting any before and after photos until I'm thrilled with the after's but I'm taking the pics every 2 weeks so that at the end I can see the changes!

Insanity: Day 10

Today was my hardest day yet. I was unmotivated in the first place. I mean I really had to force myself to put on the sports bra and tennies and turn on the dvd player. It was Plyometric Cardio and I was tired.

Once I got into it, it was a battle for my mind. I was in my own head, the little voices were saying "it's okay to stop, you don't have to do this" Shaun T was telling me to "Dig Deeper". I had to keep telling myself to stay in it, I'll be proud of myself once it's done. More voices saying "your legs hurt too bad, just stop"

Yep, I totally have voices inside my head. They are the voices of the fat girl that lives inside me. She is always trying to escape. She's the same girl that tells me to eat ice cream at 9pm while watching grey's anatomy. I'm trying to kill her. Seriously.

I made it through. I think that I had my eyes closed for most of it. I had to stay focused, I couldn't look at the clock, I couldn't think about how bad it hurt. I just had to DO IT! In turn, I think I pushed myself harder than any other day, simply because I had to.

Honestly, that is what I love about physical challenges. The pushing through, past what feels possible, and realizing that nothing can hold you back. I have it in ME.....It's like the Gatorade commercials- "Is it in you?" Yep, it totally is in me ;)

P.S. I need to buy cushioned inserts for my shoes. The bones in my lower legs are killing me!!!!

Insanity: Day 9

Yesterday was day9: Pure Cardio again. It sucks. That's all I can say about it. The boys had a field day in their room while I was busy with Shaun T, covering their hot wheels ramp and cars with soap and water, in their bedroom, "to make the cars go faster". So as soon as I finished, I had a mess to deal with.....No rest for me! (Whaaa, Whaaa, Whaaa. I'm such a whiner) :)

Insanity: Day 8

Yeah, I know. I'm guilty.....I took 2 days off instead of 1. I'm sorry Shaun-T! There was just something about going to bed at 4am and getting up at 8:30 to go to work on Sunday and doing 3 massages that made me not want to do Insanity on Sunday. The good news is that I'm back on the regular schedule and Sundays will be my day off. Today was Cardio Power Resistance. Again, I really like this workout. My arms feel like Jello, but it was amazing to me how many more push ups I could do. (tricep pushups and moving pushups.) I know I still have a whole 'nother week before my next fit test, but I'm excited to see my mad results! Peace

Insanity: Day 6

Yesteday was a busy day, kids home all day, doctors appts for the boys and my brother-in-laws birthday party last night. All day long I was hoping for an hour to squeeze in my work-out, all day it never happened. We got home from the party at just a little after 11 pm, then I had to drive the babysitter home, then Judah wet the bed and I helped Mike get him into dry jammies and back in to bed.

Did I start my workout at 11:50pm last night?.................... You better believe it!

Day 6 was Plyo Cardio again. It was a mind game for me, working out at that hour after such a long day. I pushed through. I knew that I would be proud of myself today, for staying committed. I am. Today is my off day. I had really hoped to go climbing today, since Shaun T wouldn't be punishing me. I don't think it's going to happen. My arms and my legs, are pretty well spent. I think that will be the worst part of the 60 day committment for me. The amount of physicallity required to get through these workouts, is going to take away from some of the other things I love. Like climbing, or the incline, or trail running. It's only 60 days though, actually 49 now ;)

Insanity: Day 5

Day 5-Pure Cardio, aka Pure Punishment

It was hard. My lungs didn't burn as bad as they did on day 1, so that means something. Mike was home, during this workout. He said is was hard for him to hear me like that. I was making some painful grunting noises, probably pretty similair to the ones that I've made while birthing a baby, (I'm not exaggerating here) during those last couple sets of suicide jumps, push-up jacks, and sprints.

I'm not a quitter. One time during a bootcamp, I was praying(for real, asking God) that I would pass out, so that the wind sprints would stop and they would call the paramedics and firemen would come take care of me....(ooops, did I just say that out loud) ;)

I digress. During Insanity thus far, I keep going until it is no longer physically possible and I collapse, then I get back up and get right back into it. But once I've finished the workout and I'm drinking my protein, I always analyze myself in my head and start to feel like I didn't work hard enough, that I could have done better. Hmmmm, I wonder that's all about.

Insanity: Day 4

Today was Cardio Recovery. A nice break from the crazy, cardio circuits but man, did my legs burn. Lots of squats and lunges, lots of great stretching. I actually really loved it! I just wished it had of been a little tougher and a little longer. I guess it's called recovery for a reason...... On a side note, I really must say: My eating has been on point! I was slightly de-railed but Rachel's candied nuts this evening. I couldn't help myself. I had a handful :( That's my confession. Tomorrow is Pure Cardio.....I'm skurred

Insanity: Day 3

Dear Shaun T,

Every time you tell me to make sure my core is tight, I want to yell obscenities at you. Why you ask? Well...... all my focus and attention is going towards not passing out, and mainly towards my head not exploding. So quite frankly, the idea of shifting that attention to my abs, would surely be my demise.

Seriously though, todays workout was Cardio Power and Resistance. I actually really liked this workout. It was hard, but I love the feeling of powering through. My legs burned, but once again the push ups were the toughest part for me. One day I'll be strong ;)

Insanity: day 2

So I didn't exactly get the stellar jump start on Insanity as I had planned, last week. Wednesday was my fit test. Wednesday was also the day that Mike, as he was heading out the door to CA, decided that it would be a great idea for me to try and wrangle up babysitters for the whole weekend, fly out to CA and the spend the weekend with him and the Fergusons. I agreed that it was a FABULOUS idea! So Thursday I spent all day, and long hours into the wee morning getting ready to leave all the kiddos in the capable and loving hands of 3 Awesome ladies (shout out to Tatiana, Elaina and Rachel), packing and cleaning my house. It's no small feat, as anyone with kids can testify! Friday morning, I left for CA and spent just a few short days with Aaron and April, my precious neices and Mike. It wasn't great for "Insanity" but it was great for my soul. (Aprils too, being 37 weeks pregnant sucks) All that to say.... Day 2 of Insanity was Monday!! It was the cardio circuit. Cardio Circuit is intense bursts of extreme cardio followed by a short period of rest, repeat and repeat and repeat. On a couple instances I felt as if my lungs themselves were on fire but that was secondary to the muscle failure. I've actually never felt such an extreme degree of muscle failure in my arms before. Shaun T had us doing these crazy push-ups, followed my a plank with running feet thing, jump up, back down to push ups cycle. Then directly into this plank, jump feet up to the side, back to plank, jump feet to the other side...repeat, repeat...... My arms gave me a giant "SCREW YOU! We're not doing this any more!!" and I would colapse. I always got back up, even if just for a moment. But that was the worst part of it for me, probably because I have spaghetti arms, but that will all change soon! I'll have to say, the inspiring music as you're in the home stretch works. It's as if you're in your gold medal moment and chariots of fire is playing while you cross the finish line in slow motion.....For realsy! Peace out!

Insanity!!

Day 1 of Insanity: Insane?......yes Today was only the fit test. I made it through, but barely. Once finished, I felt nauseous-nauseous like I used to feel when Mr. Walker would make us run endless stairs. Although, I'm not quite a spry, young teen anymore. I was excited before.....Now, I'm afraid

Identity Crisis

I was thinking yesterday about how difficult of a year 2010 has been for me personally, however, there has been a lot of progress out of the difficulty. It's almost as if I'm having a late twenties-life crisis. Part of it has been emerging from survival mode for 5 years.....You see when you are preganant and having new babies, you are in survival mode. I have been pregnant or 'just had a baby' for the last 5 years!!!! And now that I've come up for air, I am remembering what it's like to be me. To have things that I want, instead of just trying to survive. It's been nice, but also fairly depressing. I look around and think, what happened to me? Where am I? I am a mother, but that is not all that I am. My identity is not my children. I've never wanted it to be that way, but as I was struggling through the day to day, I felt like all the parts of "me" (just Alicia) that make me the exciting, fabulous person I am ( hee hee) were slipping away. I've had the dark and twisties for sure. But the flip side of that is how motivating it has been. I've got a lot done this year and I'm not done..... So far this year I have:
-FINALLY, got my massage liscense transferred to Colorado!!! (yeah, I procrastinated on that one for 3 years) Hit me up, I'm officially in business now!
-I FINALLY had my surgery done! I've only been talking about that one for 12 years. I'm glad I waited, till after my babies, but it has been one of the best things I have ever done!!!
-Yesterday I FINALLY had my head shots taken so that I can get an agent in Denver and get back into what really makes me feel alive. I've been dragging my but on that one for a while. You see, when you have babies, it takes a long time to feel great about your body. And when you are always pregnant, it's hard to convince and agent to represent you and send you out on auditions. (I never actually tried, but I'm assuming)
-I am finally getting my body back to pre-baby form. I've been working out like a champ, but I feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time....And I did the incline, and loved it! (if you aren't from colorado springs and don't know what the incline is, look it up!)

I've had a shift in my thinking a bit. Whilst sucked up in baby land, I thought that I was only being a good mom if I gave up everything to be with my kids full time. Now I'm realizing that, my kids deserve more than me struggling through every day, feeling like my soul was being sucked out of me, wishing that I could run away (depressing, I know). I'm not saying that, I'm going to start working full time or anything. I would miss my kiddos too much! I really do love being a mom. I love being with my kids, but I think I need more balance in my life. (this is the kind of statement that 2 years ago, I would probably have judged another mom for making. So I apologize to any mom's who I judged in the past for wanting more. I needed to grow)
And to those of you mom's who love every moment at home with your kids, and couldn't imagine doing anything else....I'm not judging you either. You are amazing!

A big change is coming.....

A brief warning: if you are a man, this post may make you uncomfortable. I don't mind if you keep reading, but you have been warned.

So on that note...............

I have a surgery date! For what you ask? I am having a breast reduction, on May 4th to be exact. I have a lot emotions, swirling around about this. Mostly excitement, but also some nervousness. I have wanted to have this surgery for a very long time, but having a surgery date, as of today, that's just a few weeks away, feels a little crazy.

The size of my...."assets" has been a big part of my life for a very long time. I started developing young and quickly. I remember being in the locker room at the public pool when I was about 13, and a woman (well I remember her being a woman, but she may have just been an older teenager) asked me if "they were real?" Are you kidding, I was child!!!! There were also these teenage boys on my paper route, (I was about 13-14 at the time) that used to yell at me "Hey big tits!" The attention was cruel for a girl in junior high. As I got older, the attention became part of my identity. The lies that I believed, were that my value came from my body. Lies that I have spent years and years trying to overcome. Lies that Satan is still trying to whisper to me as I am moving forward with this operation. Even though I don't believe those lies, it is still pretty scary. Scary to be allowing someone to be do such a severe procedure on something that is such a part of my womanhood.

That's just the emotional stuff, there is also this whole other side that only has benefits and not scary at all. Like, being able to fold a load of laundry with out feeling a burning pain between my shoulder blades. Or being able to wear a bathing suit without getting a headache from the weight pulling down on my neck. Or going into a store and buying a cute dress that actually fits my whole body, instead of having to buy a sz 12 or 14 so that it fits over my chest. I'm so excited!!!! I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in July and I am actually going to be able to wear the cute little strapless dress!!!!!!! I actually had to have straps added to my own wedding dress, so that I would be able to wear it. The possibilities are endless.

It's still scary though. I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of a long recovery, I mean seriously, I have 3 small children that need me to be awesome (hee hee). I am trying to plan a FABULOUS Alice in Wonderland tea party for Brooklyn's 5th birthday, just 20 days after surgery....what if I can't do it? I'm intimidated by the inevitable scars. I'm afraid that I still won't be able to find dresses and bras and bathing suits that fit me. (I know that one doesn't make any sense, but I am trying to undo many years of psychological shopping hell in these areas)

Fear or not though, I am moving forward. Moving forward to a new me.
I will keep you all updated as my surgery gets closer and as it actually happens. (I'll have some down time as I recover)
Thanks for listening!

Morning Suprise!

How does one vomit all over themselves and their bed and just keep on sleeping in it all night? I have no idea, but that is precisely what my Judah-man did last night. So this morning when he came into my room and curled up in my bed right next to me, I had no idea that he was covered in puke, and neither did he. What a lovely morning surprise! Although given the choice between discovering it in the morning or being up with a kid in the middle of the night who puked in his bed, having to change sheets and feeling obligated to bathe the pukey child. I would totally choose him sleeping in it all night and not knowing or caring. Especially 'cause he was sleeping in Brooklyn's bed with her last night and that would have meant waking up BOTH of them to change sheets and such. (Judah was at the foot of the bed and Brooklyn was untouched by the puke) I'm pretty sure that all this makes me sound like a bad mom....but what can I say? I really like my sleep. Feel free to judge me accordingly ;)

It's been a LONG 3 weeks

All I wanted tonight, was to get the kids in bed and go to bed early......HA!
As of 8:45 all 3 were still awake.

It's been a LONG 3 weeks. My man has been "working" all over Europe. (Amsterdam, Geneva, Brussels, Venice, Rome...to name a few. I know, he has it hard)

Back here at home I am way outmatched. There is 3 of them and only 1 of me. They make more mess than me. They make more noise than me. They have more energy than me.

When I have them one on one, I feel hopeful. There was a moment tonight-Brooklyn was cleaning her room, Judah was still in the tub and I was lotioning and jammying Joel. But then I had to buddy two of them back up for bedtime. Brooklyn and Judah are usually the worst combo at bed time, so I made the choice to put the boys together. BAD CHOICE! 30 minutes later, I moved Judah to Brooklyn's room, but it's 9:13 and I in fact just had to pause from writing, go upstairs, hand out 'discipline', and put Judah in my room. (I put them all in bed originally @ 7:30)
Why didn't I just put Judah in my bed in the first place? 'Cause remember my goal all along was to go straight to bed.

I still have to pay bills, dinner is not cleaned up and tomorrow will be a busy day. We have friends from Zambia in town. I LOVE this family! They went to our church in FL, heard the call on their life and moved to Zambia with their 8 kids to open a ranch for street boys. They are on sabbatical, touring the US, and in town for the weekend. Tomorrow afternoon they are coming to hang out with their 9 kids. I'm very excited, and not at all intimidated about having all 11 of them in my house-it just means that I need to get my house picked up. Like I said, it's been a long 3 weeks. Mike is so sad that he's missing the Walkers (family from Zambia), but he gets home soon. Only 3 more days.

While I was sorting the mail to pay the bills, I found a letter from the Wynn, Las Vegas offering us a really great rate on a 3 night get-a-way. That sounds REALLY nice right about now, but I would happily take just a morning off.

"I'm Holding On to You"

"I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is a lie that's come true

And I fall in love
With the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you

Sing it out
Sing out loud
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody"
-Switchfoot

I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "My world is lie that's come true" and how that has been played out in my own life. I am broken and wounded. I'm also healed and redeemed, but the wounding is what I am constantly fighting against. How much of that brokeness and wounding in my life started out as lie? (rhetorical question)
A lie that the enemy whispered to me. A lie that I believed instead of believing what God says about me. A lie that I then lived out and let it become a part of me. The enemy is always going to be telling us lies- you're not a good mother, you're not pretty enough, you're a failure....etc.
The question is, do we allow those lies to become our world? I stumble around in deception all the time. In the moment, it seems easier than faith. I love what Kelly (my pastor) said about faith- "It is simply, 'Take what is left of me, make it a melody' "

I think I can handle that. Somedays my brokeness doesn't leave much left of me, but HE doesn't mind. After all He created us from dust!

New Years!

Well, last night I got our New Years cards/picture put in envelopes, addressed and stamped!! YEAH. My goal was to have them sent out by Easter. This is actually the first time that I have ever even sent out Christmas cards. (they were supposed to be Christmas cards, but by the time I got them ordered it was New Years) I know there are lots of Mama's that are just as busy as I am, but it's not a huge priority for me, so it ends up on the back burner. Although, with the foot of snow sitting in my front yard right now, it doesn't seem like I'm that late getting my cards out. If the weather doesn't know it's spring, how am I supposed to :)
If you live here in Colorado, and see my kiddos all the time, don't expect to get one. If it takes me 3 1/2 months to send out cards, they're only making it to our friends and family that live far away, Sorry!

NO Coffee For YOU!! (think soup nazi)

Taking the baby weight off this time has been an up and down battle. I think this is for more than just 1 reason.
1.) My body doesn't trust that I'm not about to just get pregnant again anyway, so what's the point? (yes, my body does have it's own mind)
2.) My kids are older and therefore we are busier, so it's harder to find time to get to the gym. AND more stress means more late night eating of ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, and wine
3.) One more kid around means the odds will be higher that one of the kids is sick and therefore, I can't stick them in childcare at the gym.

That third one is always the most damaging for me. It seems that without fail, every time I get into a really good groove-meaning I don't have to drag my butt there, I'm excited about my workouts and I'm seeing progress-somebody gets sick. And you all know that once one gets sick, it will move through the ranks one after another. This could mean 2 weeks away from the gym. If that doesn't kill your motivation......

The point of all this, is that I have given myself a little challenge. I have a goal in mind, it's not the 'BIG' goal, but it is a step along the way to my ultimate fabulous self ;) Until I reach that goal, I am not letting myself have any coffee. No starbucks, no morning coffee with yummy coffee mate creamer-the one high fructose corn syrup product that I can't bring myself to ban from the house. For those of you that know me, this is going to be very motivating! I love my coffee, probably too much. Some could even say that I'm addicted. I don't drink coffee all day or anything, but I love my morning fix. And when I don't get it, I think about it all day. And when I finally do get it, it makes feel happy. Like truly happy in my brain. (It was Dave Houle that helped me realize....That's an addiction.)
So if any of you see me twitching out, or rocking myself in the corner trying to find my happy place, you'll know why. Hopefully everyone stays healthy (knock on wood) and in 2 weeks or so, I'll be back to my happy place: a grande, non-fat latte in my hand and a twinkle in my eye

Memories.....

I'm reaching an age where my childhood memories don't feel so real anymore. Not the important ones-the ones that have shaped you or burned themselves deep into your heart. I'm talking about the fond memories that you think about and smile. Although, they don't feel like mine anymore.....Some have them have faded away into a fuzzy little place in my mind. When I remember them, I could just as easily be remembering an episode of Full House or a story I read in the readers digest on my gramma's coffee table. I hate it that they aren't vivid anymore. I have a great memory and remember almost everything. Remembering is different than feeling though. I wish I could still feel how exciting is was to hold the 'Penny Fair' in our backyard for all the neighborhood kids or what it felt like to walk down the stairs on Christmas morning and see my brand new, red, 10 speed sitting by the Christmas tree. Even the time that Elaina scared me into hyperventilation....I can't feel it anymore. It feels so far away. Oh well, I guess the trade off is new memories.
I can still feel the euphoria that rushed over me immediately following the birth of all 3 of my precious children. I can still feel pure joy as Brooklyn and I rolled around in the grass waiting for Mike's truck to pull onto our street after work. Or how she used to talk to Judah in my belly. Or the physical pain in my body when she burned her leg on my brother's motorcycle. Or how adorable Judah was when he talked like a caveman (me, no want potty) or ran around singing "vote for women!" with his little fist held high (from Mary Poppins). My memories with Joel are all pretty fresh...today in the car he was singing "Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh" along with All the Single Ladies. When I change his diapers, he likes to cover his face with his blankie and laugh hysterically while hidden. He thinks that he's hilarious and laughs so hard his whole body shakes. Good Memories. I wish that they would never get fuzzy.