Insanity: Day 5

Day 5-Pure Cardio, aka Pure Punishment

It was hard. My lungs didn't burn as bad as they did on day 1, so that means something. Mike was home, during this workout. He said is was hard for him to hear me like that. I was making some painful grunting noises, probably pretty similair to the ones that I've made while birthing a baby, (I'm not exaggerating here) during those last couple sets of suicide jumps, push-up jacks, and sprints.

I'm not a quitter. One time during a bootcamp, I was praying(for real, asking God) that I would pass out, so that the wind sprints would stop and they would call the paramedics and firemen would come take care of me....(ooops, did I just say that out loud) ;)

I digress. During Insanity thus far, I keep going until it is no longer physically possible and I collapse, then I get back up and get right back into it. But once I've finished the workout and I'm drinking my protein, I always analyze myself in my head and start to feel like I didn't work hard enough, that I could have done better. Hmmmm, I wonder that's all about.

Insanity: Day 4

Today was Cardio Recovery. A nice break from the crazy, cardio circuits but man, did my legs burn. Lots of squats and lunges, lots of great stretching. I actually really loved it! I just wished it had of been a little tougher and a little longer. I guess it's called recovery for a reason...... On a side note, I really must say: My eating has been on point! I was slightly de-railed but Rachel's candied nuts this evening. I couldn't help myself. I had a handful :( That's my confession. Tomorrow is Pure Cardio.....I'm skurred

Insanity: Day 3

Dear Shaun T,

Every time you tell me to make sure my core is tight, I want to yell obscenities at you. Why you ask? Well...... all my focus and attention is going towards not passing out, and mainly towards my head not exploding. So quite frankly, the idea of shifting that attention to my abs, would surely be my demise.

Seriously though, todays workout was Cardio Power and Resistance. I actually really liked this workout. It was hard, but I love the feeling of powering through. My legs burned, but once again the push ups were the toughest part for me. One day I'll be strong ;)

Insanity: day 2

So I didn't exactly get the stellar jump start on Insanity as I had planned, last week. Wednesday was my fit test. Wednesday was also the day that Mike, as he was heading out the door to CA, decided that it would be a great idea for me to try and wrangle up babysitters for the whole weekend, fly out to CA and the spend the weekend with him and the Fergusons. I agreed that it was a FABULOUS idea! So Thursday I spent all day, and long hours into the wee morning getting ready to leave all the kiddos in the capable and loving hands of 3 Awesome ladies (shout out to Tatiana, Elaina and Rachel), packing and cleaning my house. It's no small feat, as anyone with kids can testify! Friday morning, I left for CA and spent just a few short days with Aaron and April, my precious neices and Mike. It wasn't great for "Insanity" but it was great for my soul. (Aprils too, being 37 weeks pregnant sucks) All that to say.... Day 2 of Insanity was Monday!! It was the cardio circuit. Cardio Circuit is intense bursts of extreme cardio followed by a short period of rest, repeat and repeat and repeat. On a couple instances I felt as if my lungs themselves were on fire but that was secondary to the muscle failure. I've actually never felt such an extreme degree of muscle failure in my arms before. Shaun T had us doing these crazy push-ups, followed my a plank with running feet thing, jump up, back down to push ups cycle. Then directly into this plank, jump feet up to the side, back to plank, jump feet to the other side...repeat, repeat...... My arms gave me a giant "SCREW YOU! We're not doing this any more!!" and I would colapse. I always got back up, even if just for a moment. But that was the worst part of it for me, probably because I have spaghetti arms, but that will all change soon! I'll have to say, the inspiring music as you're in the home stretch works. It's as if you're in your gold medal moment and chariots of fire is playing while you cross the finish line in slow motion.....For realsy! Peace out!

Insanity!!

Day 1 of Insanity: Insane?......yes Today was only the fit test. I made it through, but barely. Once finished, I felt nauseous-nauseous like I used to feel when Mr. Walker would make us run endless stairs. Although, I'm not quite a spry, young teen anymore. I was excited before.....Now, I'm afraid

Identity Crisis

I was thinking yesterday about how difficult of a year 2010 has been for me personally, however, there has been a lot of progress out of the difficulty. It's almost as if I'm having a late twenties-life crisis. Part of it has been emerging from survival mode for 5 years.....You see when you are preganant and having new babies, you are in survival mode. I have been pregnant or 'just had a baby' for the last 5 years!!!! And now that I've come up for air, I am remembering what it's like to be me. To have things that I want, instead of just trying to survive. It's been nice, but also fairly depressing. I look around and think, what happened to me? Where am I? I am a mother, but that is not all that I am. My identity is not my children. I've never wanted it to be that way, but as I was struggling through the day to day, I felt like all the parts of "me" (just Alicia) that make me the exciting, fabulous person I am ( hee hee) were slipping away. I've had the dark and twisties for sure. But the flip side of that is how motivating it has been. I've got a lot done this year and I'm not done..... So far this year I have:
-FINALLY, got my massage liscense transferred to Colorado!!! (yeah, I procrastinated on that one for 3 years) Hit me up, I'm officially in business now!
-I FINALLY had my surgery done! I've only been talking about that one for 12 years. I'm glad I waited, till after my babies, but it has been one of the best things I have ever done!!!
-Yesterday I FINALLY had my head shots taken so that I can get an agent in Denver and get back into what really makes me feel alive. I've been dragging my but on that one for a while. You see, when you have babies, it takes a long time to feel great about your body. And when you are always pregnant, it's hard to convince and agent to represent you and send you out on auditions. (I never actually tried, but I'm assuming)
-I am finally getting my body back to pre-baby form. I've been working out like a champ, but I feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time....And I did the incline, and loved it! (if you aren't from colorado springs and don't know what the incline is, look it up!)

I've had a shift in my thinking a bit. Whilst sucked up in baby land, I thought that I was only being a good mom if I gave up everything to be with my kids full time. Now I'm realizing that, my kids deserve more than me struggling through every day, feeling like my soul was being sucked out of me, wishing that I could run away (depressing, I know). I'm not saying that, I'm going to start working full time or anything. I would miss my kiddos too much! I really do love being a mom. I love being with my kids, but I think I need more balance in my life. (this is the kind of statement that 2 years ago, I would probably have judged another mom for making. So I apologize to any mom's who I judged in the past for wanting more. I needed to grow)
And to those of you mom's who love every moment at home with your kids, and couldn't imagine doing anything else....I'm not judging you either. You are amazing!

A big change is coming.....

A brief warning: if you are a man, this post may make you uncomfortable. I don't mind if you keep reading, but you have been warned.

So on that note...............

I have a surgery date! For what you ask? I am having a breast reduction, on May 4th to be exact. I have a lot emotions, swirling around about this. Mostly excitement, but also some nervousness. I have wanted to have this surgery for a very long time, but having a surgery date, as of today, that's just a few weeks away, feels a little crazy.

The size of my...."assets" has been a big part of my life for a very long time. I started developing young and quickly. I remember being in the locker room at the public pool when I was about 13, and a woman (well I remember her being a woman, but she may have just been an older teenager) asked me if "they were real?" Are you kidding, I was child!!!! There were also these teenage boys on my paper route, (I was about 13-14 at the time) that used to yell at me "Hey big tits!" The attention was cruel for a girl in junior high. As I got older, the attention became part of my identity. The lies that I believed, were that my value came from my body. Lies that I have spent years and years trying to overcome. Lies that Satan is still trying to whisper to me as I am moving forward with this operation. Even though I don't believe those lies, it is still pretty scary. Scary to be allowing someone to be do such a severe procedure on something that is such a part of my womanhood.

That's just the emotional stuff, there is also this whole other side that only has benefits and not scary at all. Like, being able to fold a load of laundry with out feeling a burning pain between my shoulder blades. Or being able to wear a bathing suit without getting a headache from the weight pulling down on my neck. Or going into a store and buying a cute dress that actually fits my whole body, instead of having to buy a sz 12 or 14 so that it fits over my chest. I'm so excited!!!! I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in July and I am actually going to be able to wear the cute little strapless dress!!!!!!! I actually had to have straps added to my own wedding dress, so that I would be able to wear it. The possibilities are endless.

It's still scary though. I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of a long recovery, I mean seriously, I have 3 small children that need me to be awesome (hee hee). I am trying to plan a FABULOUS Alice in Wonderland tea party for Brooklyn's 5th birthday, just 20 days after surgery....what if I can't do it? I'm intimidated by the inevitable scars. I'm afraid that I still won't be able to find dresses and bras and bathing suits that fit me. (I know that one doesn't make any sense, but I am trying to undo many years of psychological shopping hell in these areas)

Fear or not though, I am moving forward. Moving forward to a new me.
I will keep you all updated as my surgery gets closer and as it actually happens. (I'll have some down time as I recover)
Thanks for listening!