Thursday, July 22, 2010

Identity Crisis

I was thinking yesterday about how difficult of a year 2010 has been for me personally, however, there has been a lot of progress out of the difficulty. It's almost as if I'm having a late twenties-life crisis. Part of it has been emerging from survival mode for 5 years.....You see when you are preganant and having new babies, you are in survival mode. I have been pregnant or 'just had a baby' for the last 5 years!!!! And now that I've come up for air, I am remembering what it's like to be me. To have things that I want, instead of just trying to survive. It's been nice, but also fairly depressing. I look around and think, what happened to me? Where am I? I am a mother, but that is not all that I am. My identity is not my children. I've never wanted it to be that way, but as I was struggling through the day to day, I felt like all the parts of "me" (just Alicia) that make me the exciting, fabulous person I am ( hee hee) were slipping away. I've had the dark and twisties for sure. But the flip side of that is how motivating it has been. I've got a lot done this year and I'm not done..... So far this year I have:
-FINALLY, got my massage liscense transferred to Colorado!!! (yeah, I procrastinated on that one for 3 years) Hit me up, I'm officially in business now!
-I FINALLY had my surgery done! I've only been talking about that one for 12 years. I'm glad I waited, till after my babies, but it has been one of the best things I have ever done!!!
-Yesterday I FINALLY had my head shots taken so that I can get an agent in Denver and get back into what really makes me feel alive. I've been dragging my but on that one for a while. You see, when you have babies, it takes a long time to feel great about your body. And when you are always pregnant, it's hard to convince and agent to represent you and send you out on auditions. (I never actually tried, but I'm assuming)
-I am finally getting my body back to pre-baby form. I've been working out like a champ, but I feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time....And I did the incline, and loved it! (if you aren't from colorado springs and don't know what the incline is, look it up!)

I've had a shift in my thinking a bit. Whilst sucked up in baby land, I thought that I was only being a good mom if I gave up everything to be with my kids full time. Now I'm realizing that, my kids deserve more than me struggling through every day, feeling like my soul was being sucked out of me, wishing that I could run away (depressing, I know). I'm not saying that, I'm going to start working full time or anything. I would miss my kiddos too much! I really do love being a mom. I love being with my kids, but I think I need more balance in my life. (this is the kind of statement that 2 years ago, I would probably have judged another mom for making. So I apologize to any mom's who I judged in the past for wanting more. I needed to grow)
And to those of you mom's who love every moment at home with your kids, and couldn't imagine doing anything else....I'm not judging you either. You are amazing!