Identity Crisis

I was thinking yesterday about how difficult of a year 2010 has been for me personally, however, there has been a lot of progress out of the difficulty. It's almost as if I'm having a late twenties-life crisis. Part of it has been emerging from survival mode for 5 years.....You see when you are preganant and having new babies, you are in survival mode. I have been pregnant or 'just had a baby' for the last 5 years!!!! And now that I've come up for air, I am remembering what it's like to be me. To have things that I want, instead of just trying to survive. It's been nice, but also fairly depressing. I look around and think, what happened to me? Where am I? I am a mother, but that is not all that I am. My identity is not my children. I've never wanted it to be that way, but as I was struggling through the day to day, I felt like all the parts of "me" (just Alicia) that make me the exciting, fabulous person I am ( hee hee) were slipping away. I've had the dark and twisties for sure. But the flip side of that is how motivating it has been. I've got a lot done this year and I'm not done..... So far this year I have:
-FINALLY, got my massage liscense transferred to Colorado!!! (yeah, I procrastinated on that one for 3 years) Hit me up, I'm officially in business now!
-I FINALLY had my surgery done! I've only been talking about that one for 12 years. I'm glad I waited, till after my babies, but it has been one of the best things I have ever done!!!
-Yesterday I FINALLY had my head shots taken so that I can get an agent in Denver and get back into what really makes me feel alive. I've been dragging my but on that one for a while. You see, when you have babies, it takes a long time to feel great about your body. And when you are always pregnant, it's hard to convince and agent to represent you and send you out on auditions. (I never actually tried, but I'm assuming)
-I am finally getting my body back to pre-baby form. I've been working out like a champ, but I feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time....And I did the incline, and loved it! (if you aren't from colorado springs and don't know what the incline is, look it up!)

I've had a shift in my thinking a bit. Whilst sucked up in baby land, I thought that I was only being a good mom if I gave up everything to be with my kids full time. Now I'm realizing that, my kids deserve more than me struggling through every day, feeling like my soul was being sucked out of me, wishing that I could run away (depressing, I know). I'm not saying that, I'm going to start working full time or anything. I would miss my kiddos too much! I really do love being a mom. I love being with my kids, but I think I need more balance in my life. (this is the kind of statement that 2 years ago, I would probably have judged another mom for making. So I apologize to any mom's who I judged in the past for wanting more. I needed to grow)
And to those of you mom's who love every moment at home with your kids, and couldn't imagine doing anything else....I'm not judging you either. You are amazing!

A big change is coming.....

A brief warning: if you are a man, this post may make you uncomfortable. I don't mind if you keep reading, but you have been warned.

So on that note...............

I have a surgery date! For what you ask? I am having a breast reduction, on May 4th to be exact. I have a lot emotions, swirling around about this. Mostly excitement, but also some nervousness. I have wanted to have this surgery for a very long time, but having a surgery date, as of today, that's just a few weeks away, feels a little crazy.

The size of my...."assets" has been a big part of my life for a very long time. I started developing young and quickly. I remember being in the locker room at the public pool when I was about 13, and a woman (well I remember her being a woman, but she may have just been an older teenager) asked me if "they were real?" Are you kidding, I was child!!!! There were also these teenage boys on my paper route, (I was about 13-14 at the time) that used to yell at me "Hey big tits!" The attention was cruel for a girl in junior high. As I got older, the attention became part of my identity. The lies that I believed, were that my value came from my body. Lies that I have spent years and years trying to overcome. Lies that Satan is still trying to whisper to me as I am moving forward with this operation. Even though I don't believe those lies, it is still pretty scary. Scary to be allowing someone to be do such a severe procedure on something that is such a part of my womanhood.

That's just the emotional stuff, there is also this whole other side that only has benefits and not scary at all. Like, being able to fold a load of laundry with out feeling a burning pain between my shoulder blades. Or being able to wear a bathing suit without getting a headache from the weight pulling down on my neck. Or going into a store and buying a cute dress that actually fits my whole body, instead of having to buy a sz 12 or 14 so that it fits over my chest. I'm so excited!!!! I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in July and I am actually going to be able to wear the cute little strapless dress!!!!!!! I actually had to have straps added to my own wedding dress, so that I would be able to wear it. The possibilities are endless.

It's still scary though. I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of a long recovery, I mean seriously, I have 3 small children that need me to be awesome (hee hee). I am trying to plan a FABULOUS Alice in Wonderland tea party for Brooklyn's 5th birthday, just 20 days after surgery....what if I can't do it? I'm intimidated by the inevitable scars. I'm afraid that I still won't be able to find dresses and bras and bathing suits that fit me. (I know that one doesn't make any sense, but I am trying to undo many years of psychological shopping hell in these areas)

Fear or not though, I am moving forward. Moving forward to a new me.
I will keep you all updated as my surgery gets closer and as it actually happens. (I'll have some down time as I recover)
Thanks for listening!

Morning Suprise!

How does one vomit all over themselves and their bed and just keep on sleeping in it all night? I have no idea, but that is precisely what my Judah-man did last night. So this morning when he came into my room and curled up in my bed right next to me, I had no idea that he was covered in puke, and neither did he. What a lovely morning surprise! Although given the choice between discovering it in the morning or being up with a kid in the middle of the night who puked in his bed, having to change sheets and feeling obligated to bathe the pukey child. I would totally choose him sleeping in it all night and not knowing or caring. Especially 'cause he was sleeping in Brooklyn's bed with her last night and that would have meant waking up BOTH of them to change sheets and such. (Judah was at the foot of the bed and Brooklyn was untouched by the puke) I'm pretty sure that all this makes me sound like a bad mom....but what can I say? I really like my sleep. Feel free to judge me accordingly ;)

It's been a LONG 3 weeks

All I wanted tonight, was to get the kids in bed and go to bed early......HA!
As of 8:45 all 3 were still awake.

It's been a LONG 3 weeks. My man has been "working" all over Europe. (Amsterdam, Geneva, Brussels, Venice, Rome...to name a few. I know, he has it hard)

Back here at home I am way outmatched. There is 3 of them and only 1 of me. They make more mess than me. They make more noise than me. They have more energy than me.

When I have them one on one, I feel hopeful. There was a moment tonight-Brooklyn was cleaning her room, Judah was still in the tub and I was lotioning and jammying Joel. But then I had to buddy two of them back up for bedtime. Brooklyn and Judah are usually the worst combo at bed time, so I made the choice to put the boys together. BAD CHOICE! 30 minutes later, I moved Judah to Brooklyn's room, but it's 9:13 and I in fact just had to pause from writing, go upstairs, hand out 'discipline', and put Judah in my room. (I put them all in bed originally @ 7:30)
Why didn't I just put Judah in my bed in the first place? 'Cause remember my goal all along was to go straight to bed.

I still have to pay bills, dinner is not cleaned up and tomorrow will be a busy day. We have friends from Zambia in town. I LOVE this family! They went to our church in FL, heard the call on their life and moved to Zambia with their 8 kids to open a ranch for street boys. They are on sabbatical, touring the US, and in town for the weekend. Tomorrow afternoon they are coming to hang out with their 9 kids. I'm very excited, and not at all intimidated about having all 11 of them in my house-it just means that I need to get my house picked up. Like I said, it's been a long 3 weeks. Mike is so sad that he's missing the Walkers (family from Zambia), but he gets home soon. Only 3 more days.

While I was sorting the mail to pay the bills, I found a letter from the Wynn, Las Vegas offering us a really great rate on a 3 night get-a-way. That sounds REALLY nice right about now, but I would happily take just a morning off.

"I'm Holding On to You"

"I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is a lie that's come true

And I fall in love
With the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you

Sing it out
Sing out loud
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody"
-Switchfoot

I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "My world is lie that's come true" and how that has been played out in my own life. I am broken and wounded. I'm also healed and redeemed, but the wounding is what I am constantly fighting against. How much of that brokeness and wounding in my life started out as lie? (rhetorical question)
A lie that the enemy whispered to me. A lie that I believed instead of believing what God says about me. A lie that I then lived out and let it become a part of me. The enemy is always going to be telling us lies- you're not a good mother, you're not pretty enough, you're a failure....etc.
The question is, do we allow those lies to become our world? I stumble around in deception all the time. In the moment, it seems easier than faith. I love what Kelly (my pastor) said about faith- "It is simply, 'Take what is left of me, make it a melody' "

I think I can handle that. Somedays my brokeness doesn't leave much left of me, but HE doesn't mind. After all He created us from dust!

New Years!

Well, last night I got our New Years cards/picture put in envelopes, addressed and stamped!! YEAH. My goal was to have them sent out by Easter. This is actually the first time that I have ever even sent out Christmas cards. (they were supposed to be Christmas cards, but by the time I got them ordered it was New Years) I know there are lots of Mama's that are just as busy as I am, but it's not a huge priority for me, so it ends up on the back burner. Although, with the foot of snow sitting in my front yard right now, it doesn't seem like I'm that late getting my cards out. If the weather doesn't know it's spring, how am I supposed to :)
If you live here in Colorado, and see my kiddos all the time, don't expect to get one. If it takes me 3 1/2 months to send out cards, they're only making it to our friends and family that live far away, Sorry!

NO Coffee For YOU!! (think soup nazi)

Taking the baby weight off this time has been an up and down battle. I think this is for more than just 1 reason.
1.) My body doesn't trust that I'm not about to just get pregnant again anyway, so what's the point? (yes, my body does have it's own mind)
2.) My kids are older and therefore we are busier, so it's harder to find time to get to the gym. AND more stress means more late night eating of ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, and wine
3.) One more kid around means the odds will be higher that one of the kids is sick and therefore, I can't stick them in childcare at the gym.

That third one is always the most damaging for me. It seems that without fail, every time I get into a really good groove-meaning I don't have to drag my butt there, I'm excited about my workouts and I'm seeing progress-somebody gets sick. And you all know that once one gets sick, it will move through the ranks one after another. This could mean 2 weeks away from the gym. If that doesn't kill your motivation......

The point of all this, is that I have given myself a little challenge. I have a goal in mind, it's not the 'BIG' goal, but it is a step along the way to my ultimate fabulous self ;) Until I reach that goal, I am not letting myself have any coffee. No starbucks, no morning coffee with yummy coffee mate creamer-the one high fructose corn syrup product that I can't bring myself to ban from the house. For those of you that know me, this is going to be very motivating! I love my coffee, probably too much. Some could even say that I'm addicted. I don't drink coffee all day or anything, but I love my morning fix. And when I don't get it, I think about it all day. And when I finally do get it, it makes feel happy. Like truly happy in my brain. (It was Dave Houle that helped me realize....That's an addiction.)
So if any of you see me twitching out, or rocking myself in the corner trying to find my happy place, you'll know why. Hopefully everyone stays healthy (knock on wood) and in 2 weeks or so, I'll be back to my happy place: a grande, non-fat latte in my hand and a twinkle in my eye

Memories.....

I'm reaching an age where my childhood memories don't feel so real anymore. Not the important ones-the ones that have shaped you or burned themselves deep into your heart. I'm talking about the fond memories that you think about and smile. Although, they don't feel like mine anymore.....Some have them have faded away into a fuzzy little place in my mind. When I remember them, I could just as easily be remembering an episode of Full House or a story I read in the readers digest on my gramma's coffee table. I hate it that they aren't vivid anymore. I have a great memory and remember almost everything. Remembering is different than feeling though. I wish I could still feel how exciting is was to hold the 'Penny Fair' in our backyard for all the neighborhood kids or what it felt like to walk down the stairs on Christmas morning and see my brand new, red, 10 speed sitting by the Christmas tree. Even the time that Elaina scared me into hyperventilation....I can't feel it anymore. It feels so far away. Oh well, I guess the trade off is new memories.
I can still feel the euphoria that rushed over me immediately following the birth of all 3 of my precious children. I can still feel pure joy as Brooklyn and I rolled around in the grass waiting for Mike's truck to pull onto our street after work. Or how she used to talk to Judah in my belly. Or the physical pain in my body when she burned her leg on my brother's motorcycle. Or how adorable Judah was when he talked like a caveman (me, no want potty) or ran around singing "vote for women!" with his little fist held high (from Mary Poppins). My memories with Joel are all pretty fresh...today in the car he was singing "Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh" along with All the Single Ladies. When I change his diapers, he likes to cover his face with his blankie and laugh hysterically while hidden. He thinks that he's hilarious and laughs so hard his whole body shakes. Good Memories. I wish that they would never get fuzzy.

Bye, Bye Paci's

Brooklyn and Judah both had their pacifiers taken away at 9 and 10 months respectively. I figured that if I did it that early, there wouldn't be much a fight and save myself the battle later. I still believe this to be true, however here we are, Joel is 16 months and still has the 'paci'. Everytime over the last several months that I decided I was going to take them away, he either got sick, or we were about to take a plane trip, or he was cutting teeth....and he's a third baby so my resolve is not quite as strong. Either way, now I am experiencing a bit of a battle. Joel was sick last week, but he is all better this week so now I've got to get rid of them. He only has them @ nap and bed, or if we're in public and he's having a major meltdown, but man does he LOVE them! Whenever I get him out of his bed I say "Joel, leave it in your crib" and he procedes to take out his 'paci', throw it, and then throw himself down screaming. Every time I say "are you ready for night, night?" He says "pi?" (that's what he calls it) Quite often Joel will make the trip all the way upstairs, reach through the crib slats, grab his 'paci' come all the way back down stairs knowing full well that as soon as I see him, he's going to have to give it to me. He'll crawl into the kitchen with paci in mouth and all I have to do is look at him and he'll take it out and throw it at me.

Yesterday, in a move of bravery, I went ahead and just cut a hole in them. I heard that babies won't want them once they don't have the suction.....we'll see. For now, Joel is perfectly content to chew on his 'pi' and suction or not, this morning we still went through the same "leave it in the crib" routine. I am not sure if I want to endure the consequences of taking them cold turkey. Being a third child and all, I would rather him not scream through his nap. With the first 2 I was much tougher. I totally get why third kids are "spoiled" or siblings think they are favored. It's because by the time you have to deal with the older kids fighting over toys, and 4 yr old girl drama, and 3 yr old boy whining, you kind of just want to give the baby anything to keep him from crying. So we'll see if my resolve can last.......or if Joel still has a paci when he starts kindergarten :)

The sickies

Oh Man we have the sickies around here! Sunday night Joel threw up, in the middle of the night and then wouldn't sleep except on my chest. He was dead to the world, until I tried to put him back to bed, we tried that a couple times and then I just gave up and watched a movie on the couch @ 4am. The last 2 nights Brooklyn and Judah have taken turns waking me up all night on and off. Judah is sick, and his crying keeps waking up Brooklyn, however when I bring him to my room, Brooklyn is hysterical 'cause she wants to sleep in my room too. ARRRGHH. Last night I finally gave up and just put Judah in my bed, although he kicked me all night long and Brooklyn doesn't think it's fair that he got to sleep in my bed. So, after 3 nights of practically no sleep, Momma is getting sick now!!! I told Mike last night that after a few more nights of this, I'm going to a hotel this weekend.....and I'm not joking!

Twilight Zone

So this morning I woke up at 9:00 am, all by myself. No little people around. I thought to myself, did Mike stay home from work and have the kids sequestered. Then I thought maybe it's Saturday. But then, even on a Saturday, Judah still comes in @ 6:30 and Mike and I draw straws to see who has to get up. So I got out of bed and went out to the hall. The door to Brooklyn and Judahs room was closed. There weren't even any sounds coming from downstairs. The only sound I heard was the soft voice of Joel coming from behind his door, sitting in his crib, talking quietly to himself. I went into Joels room, got the little man up, and he and I spent some alone time downstairs. I never get alone time with Joel! I even got him to take a couple steps. (It's a big deal...the little man will not walk!) We got about 20 min together before I heard Judah's voice at the top of the stairs. Judah was just as suprised as I was that I was out of bed before he was. Judah gets up VERY early, EVERY morning, no matter how late he stays up or how many naps he has missed. And he usually wakes Brooklyn up because he wants someone to play with and Momma doesn't play nice at 6:30.
WOW! What a treat! Mike said he didn't but I'm still wondering if he slipped Judah a sedative before leaving for work :)

The birthday post

Another year has passed and today is my birthday. It's been a weird one. Not because I'm being faced with "getting older" although, I am. When I see college kids, they look like babies to me. Watching the olympics this year, I've noticed that I'm older than most of the olympians. But it's not my age that's got me down. In fact, I've felt for most of my life that my birth certificate was a few years off. I've always "lived" a few years beyond my age. I'm still young, but I do feel like my youth is gone. Your youth is all about your dreams and ambitions, new experiences, choices, stary eyed hopes for the life you want. I think I can safely say, that stage of my life is over. Pardon my cynicism, but this is it. Married, 3 kids, 2 mortgages, 2 cars. My "career" has come and gone. No more stary-eyed dreams, no more choices (other than making mac n' cheese or sandwhiches for lunch) - just 'life'. Making the decision each day to me a good mom and wife. I love my kids, they are my little balls of sunshine. I wouldn't take away one minute of my time with them. But let me be brutally honest here, being the Mom of three preschoolers is not really all that fulfilling. Maybe I'm just a freak. I'm sure there are lots of full-time mommies that feel totally fulfilled in the laundry, and whining, and diapers, and discipline, and cooking but I'm just not there. It's not all bad, don't get me wrong. There's lots of giggles, and cuddles and playing barbies and batman, and walks to the park and kitchen dance parties, but in the end I'm still bored.
I'm also not so naive, to think that the grass is greener, 'cause it's not. We live in a sinful world, full of sinful people. And we are always going to be struggling with our sinful nature against our Heavenly Father and what he wants from us. Nobody said it would be easy. But this is what I do know to be truth. I am a daughter of The King. He has redeemed my life. He has showed me grace and hope and love, when I deserved it not. He continues to restore me in ways that I thought would always be broken. Even when I fight against Him, I know he looks on me with love and compassion. He knows what I need, more than what I think I want.
So that's that. For those of you that think I need an anti-depressant...maybe I do, but I'm not so short-sighted to think that this is how it will always be. Life is full of ebb and flow. Highs and Lows. Let me be dark and twisty for a bit and later I'll snap out of it and laugh about how lame I was, back when.
It's not pretty, but it's honest.

Big Project #1

Yesterday, I took it upon myself to tackle the office. It was supposed to be Mike's space and I was to have no say, his stuff, his space. However, it was a big, giant junk pile. Last spring, I said "Listen babe, that office is totally unusable space. You're not using it, so I will give you until August to clean it up and use it or it's mine!" (I don't usually lay down the law with my husband, but this was something I felt pretty strong about)

It has literally been a death trap! So yesterday I felt inspired and dove right in!

BEFORE:

Last night, I felt very accomplished as I turned the light off and headed to bed. Not quite done, but well on it's way.

Last night at closing time ;)

That big black garbage bag was the 3rd load of grabage!

The trade off however is the giant pile of stuff in my living room, waiting to be organized and put in happy containers and boxes back into the office. I am heading to Target after Brooklyn's ballet class to buy organzing supplies.

I still hate the color on the walls ( I would have painted it chocolate brown) and the monstrosity of a desk that Mike built when it was still his office ;) However the aesthetics of it will have to wait for another time. Functionality is my goal. And, the walls in my living room/dining room/ entry/stairs are unpainted except for the random splotches where I have tested colors. That will be my next big project........

I'll post pictures of the finished office once I get everything put back in :)

Art!

We have had a naked wall over our fireplace mantle for 3 years, except at Christmas time when I hang a wreath. I just couldn't find the right piece of art to hang there. ( not like I am some sort of art connoisseur, but I like what I like) I could have just given up and hung a big family picture, or something that I didn't LOVE, but I held out. And there it was.....Perfect! I found a piece of art for over my mantle that I love. Now I don't know if it can really be called art, because I bought it at Target, but I LOVE it nonetheless. And every time I walk into the room and see it sitting on the mantle (it isn't hung yet, just resting there) I feel happy and satisfied!

What you may not be able to tell from the picture is that, the tree is just wood grain. I know I'm lame. I am quite certain that any of you who really know anything about art are laughing at me, but I waited 3 years for it!

Hey Judah!

There are so many moments in my kids lives that I wish I could videotape. The little precious, moments that by the time you get the camera are over, or even if you do get the camera in time, they will stop as soon as they see it. One of those came this morning after 'Family Breakfast'. We all love the Beatles song "Hey Jude" (obviously because of our own little Judah). But Judah, loves this song. I mean how awesome is it to have a song about you? Well, this morning as family breakfast was wrapping up, I turned my ipod to the song and my little Judah man let loose. Dancing with his whole body, laughing and singing the "Na, Na, Na Naa Naa Na, Na, Na , Na Na Naaa, HEY JUD(AH), at the very top of his lungs. Awesome, I never want to foget those moments! For as much as he makes me crazy and sometimes I wish I could duct tape his mouth closed and glue his hands together.....He is such a joy and his wild personality makes his hugs the absolute squeeziest and when he gives me kisses, he really means it! I love you dude!

BTW, my husband bought me an awesome ipod dock for Christmas, that made this mornings kitchen dance party possible. Thanks Babe! I love it!