"I'm Holding On to You"

"I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is a lie that's come true

And I fall in love
With the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you

Sing it out
Sing out loud
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody"
-Switchfoot

I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "My world is lie that's come true" and how that has been played out in my own life. I am broken and wounded. I'm also healed and redeemed, but the wounding is what I am constantly fighting against. How much of that brokeness and wounding in my life started out as lie? (rhetorical question)
A lie that the enemy whispered to me. A lie that I believed instead of believing what God says about me. A lie that I then lived out and let it become a part of me. The enemy is always going to be telling us lies- you're not a good mother, you're not pretty enough, you're a failure....etc.
The question is, do we allow those lies to become our world? I stumble around in deception all the time. In the moment, it seems easier than faith. I love what Kelly (my pastor) said about faith- "It is simply, 'Take what is left of me, make it a melody' "

I think I can handle that. Somedays my brokeness doesn't leave much left of me, but HE doesn't mind. After all He created us from dust!

New Years!

Well, last night I got our New Years cards/picture put in envelopes, addressed and stamped!! YEAH. My goal was to have them sent out by Easter. This is actually the first time that I have ever even sent out Christmas cards. (they were supposed to be Christmas cards, but by the time I got them ordered it was New Years) I know there are lots of Mama's that are just as busy as I am, but it's not a huge priority for me, so it ends up on the back burner. Although, with the foot of snow sitting in my front yard right now, it doesn't seem like I'm that late getting my cards out. If the weather doesn't know it's spring, how am I supposed to :)
If you live here in Colorado, and see my kiddos all the time, don't expect to get one. If it takes me 3 1/2 months to send out cards, they're only making it to our friends and family that live far away, Sorry!

NO Coffee For YOU!! (think soup nazi)

Taking the baby weight off this time has been an up and down battle. I think this is for more than just 1 reason.
1.) My body doesn't trust that I'm not about to just get pregnant again anyway, so what's the point? (yes, my body does have it's own mind)
2.) My kids are older and therefore we are busier, so it's harder to find time to get to the gym. AND more stress means more late night eating of ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, and wine
3.) One more kid around means the odds will be higher that one of the kids is sick and therefore, I can't stick them in childcare at the gym.

That third one is always the most damaging for me. It seems that without fail, every time I get into a really good groove-meaning I don't have to drag my butt there, I'm excited about my workouts and I'm seeing progress-somebody gets sick. And you all know that once one gets sick, it will move through the ranks one after another. This could mean 2 weeks away from the gym. If that doesn't kill your motivation......

The point of all this, is that I have given myself a little challenge. I have a goal in mind, it's not the 'BIG' goal, but it is a step along the way to my ultimate fabulous self ;) Until I reach that goal, I am not letting myself have any coffee. No starbucks, no morning coffee with yummy coffee mate creamer-the one high fructose corn syrup product that I can't bring myself to ban from the house. For those of you that know me, this is going to be very motivating! I love my coffee, probably too much. Some could even say that I'm addicted. I don't drink coffee all day or anything, but I love my morning fix. And when I don't get it, I think about it all day. And when I finally do get it, it makes feel happy. Like truly happy in my brain. (It was Dave Houle that helped me realize....That's an addiction.)
So if any of you see me twitching out, or rocking myself in the corner trying to find my happy place, you'll know why. Hopefully everyone stays healthy (knock on wood) and in 2 weeks or so, I'll be back to my happy place: a grande, non-fat latte in my hand and a twinkle in my eye

Memories.....

I'm reaching an age where my childhood memories don't feel so real anymore. Not the important ones-the ones that have shaped you or burned themselves deep into your heart. I'm talking about the fond memories that you think about and smile. Although, they don't feel like mine anymore.....Some have them have faded away into a fuzzy little place in my mind. When I remember them, I could just as easily be remembering an episode of Full House or a story I read in the readers digest on my gramma's coffee table. I hate it that they aren't vivid anymore. I have a great memory and remember almost everything. Remembering is different than feeling though. I wish I could still feel how exciting is was to hold the 'Penny Fair' in our backyard for all the neighborhood kids or what it felt like to walk down the stairs on Christmas morning and see my brand new, red, 10 speed sitting by the Christmas tree. Even the time that Elaina scared me into hyperventilation....I can't feel it anymore. It feels so far away. Oh well, I guess the trade off is new memories.
I can still feel the euphoria that rushed over me immediately following the birth of all 3 of my precious children. I can still feel pure joy as Brooklyn and I rolled around in the grass waiting for Mike's truck to pull onto our street after work. Or how she used to talk to Judah in my belly. Or the physical pain in my body when she burned her leg on my brother's motorcycle. Or how adorable Judah was when he talked like a caveman (me, no want potty) or ran around singing "vote for women!" with his little fist held high (from Mary Poppins). My memories with Joel are all pretty fresh...today in the car he was singing "Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh" along with All the Single Ladies. When I change his diapers, he likes to cover his face with his blankie and laugh hysterically while hidden. He thinks that he's hilarious and laughs so hard his whole body shakes. Good Memories. I wish that they would never get fuzzy.

Bye, Bye Paci's

Brooklyn and Judah both had their pacifiers taken away at 9 and 10 months respectively. I figured that if I did it that early, there wouldn't be much a fight and save myself the battle later. I still believe this to be true, however here we are, Joel is 16 months and still has the 'paci'. Everytime over the last several months that I decided I was going to take them away, he either got sick, or we were about to take a plane trip, or he was cutting teeth....and he's a third baby so my resolve is not quite as strong. Either way, now I am experiencing a bit of a battle. Joel was sick last week, but he is all better this week so now I've got to get rid of them. He only has them @ nap and bed, or if we're in public and he's having a major meltdown, but man does he LOVE them! Whenever I get him out of his bed I say "Joel, leave it in your crib" and he procedes to take out his 'paci', throw it, and then throw himself down screaming. Every time I say "are you ready for night, night?" He says "pi?" (that's what he calls it) Quite often Joel will make the trip all the way upstairs, reach through the crib slats, grab his 'paci' come all the way back down stairs knowing full well that as soon as I see him, he's going to have to give it to me. He'll crawl into the kitchen with paci in mouth and all I have to do is look at him and he'll take it out and throw it at me.

Yesterday, in a move of bravery, I went ahead and just cut a hole in them. I heard that babies won't want them once they don't have the suction.....we'll see. For now, Joel is perfectly content to chew on his 'pi' and suction or not, this morning we still went through the same "leave it in the crib" routine. I am not sure if I want to endure the consequences of taking them cold turkey. Being a third child and all, I would rather him not scream through his nap. With the first 2 I was much tougher. I totally get why third kids are "spoiled" or siblings think they are favored. It's because by the time you have to deal with the older kids fighting over toys, and 4 yr old girl drama, and 3 yr old boy whining, you kind of just want to give the baby anything to keep him from crying. So we'll see if my resolve can last.......or if Joel still has a paci when he starts kindergarten :)

The sickies

Oh Man we have the sickies around here! Sunday night Joel threw up, in the middle of the night and then wouldn't sleep except on my chest. He was dead to the world, until I tried to put him back to bed, we tried that a couple times and then I just gave up and watched a movie on the couch @ 4am. The last 2 nights Brooklyn and Judah have taken turns waking me up all night on and off. Judah is sick, and his crying keeps waking up Brooklyn, however when I bring him to my room, Brooklyn is hysterical 'cause she wants to sleep in my room too. ARRRGHH. Last night I finally gave up and just put Judah in my bed, although he kicked me all night long and Brooklyn doesn't think it's fair that he got to sleep in my bed. So, after 3 nights of practically no sleep, Momma is getting sick now!!! I told Mike last night that after a few more nights of this, I'm going to a hotel this weekend.....and I'm not joking!