I was thinking yesterday about how difficult of a year 2010 has been for me personally, however, there has been a lot of progress out of the difficulty. It's almost as if I'm having a late twenties-life crisis. Part of it has been emerging from survival mode for 5 years.....You see when you are preganant and having new babies, you are in survival mode. I have been pregnant or 'just had a baby' for the last 5 years!!!! And now that I've come up for air, I am remembering what it's like to be me. To have things that I want, instead of just trying to survive. It's been nice, but also fairly depressing. I look around and think, what happened to me? Where am I? I am a mother, but that is not all that I am. My identity is not my children. I've never wanted it to be that way, but as I was struggling through the day to day, I felt like all the parts of "me" (just Alicia) that make me the exciting, fabulous person I am ( hee hee) were slipping away. I've had the dark and twisties for sure. But the flip side of that is how motivating it has been. I've got a lot done this year and I'm not done..... So far this year I have:
-FINALLY, got my massage liscense transferred to Colorado!!! (yeah, I procrastinated on that one for 3 years) Hit me up, I'm officially in business now!
-I FINALLY had my surgery done! I've only been talking about that one for 12 years. I'm glad I waited, till after my babies, but it has been one of the best things I have ever done!!!
-Yesterday I FINALLY had my head shots taken so that I can get an agent in Denver and get back into what really makes me feel alive. I've been dragging my but on that one for a while. You see, when you have babies, it takes a long time to feel great about your body. And when you are always pregnant, it's hard to convince and agent to represent you and send you out on auditions. (I never actually tried, but I'm assuming)
-I am finally getting my body back to pre-baby form. I've been working out like a champ, but I feel stronger and healthier than I have in a long time....And I did the incline, and loved it! (if you aren't from colorado springs and don't know what the incline is, look it up!)
I've had a shift in my thinking a bit. Whilst sucked up in baby land, I thought that I was only being a good mom if I gave up everything to be with my kids full time. Now I'm realizing that, my kids deserve more than me struggling through every day, feeling like my soul was being sucked out of me, wishing that I could run away (depressing, I know). I'm not saying that, I'm going to start working full time or anything. I would miss my kiddos too much! I really do love being a mom. I love being with my kids, but I think I need more balance in my life. (this is the kind of statement that 2 years ago, I would probably have judged another mom for making. So I apologize to any mom's who I judged in the past for wanting more. I needed to grow)
And to those of you mom's who love every moment at home with your kids, and couldn't imagine doing anything else....I'm not judging you either. You are amazing!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
A big change is coming.....
A brief warning: if you are a man, this post may make you uncomfortable. I don't mind if you keep reading, but you have been warned.
So on that note...............
I have a surgery date! For what you ask? I am having a breast reduction, on May 4th to be exact. I have a lot emotions, swirling around about this. Mostly excitement, but also some nervousness. I have wanted to have this surgery for a very long time, but having a surgery date, as of today, that's just a few weeks away, feels a little crazy.
The size of my...."assets" has been a big part of my life for a very long time. I started developing young and quickly. I remember being in the locker room at the public pool when I was about 13, and a woman (well I remember her being a woman, but she may have just been an older teenager) asked me if "they were real?" Are you kidding, I was child!!!! There were also these teenage boys on my paper route, (I was about 13-14 at the time) that used to yell at me "Hey big tits!" The attention was cruel for a girl in junior high. As I got older, the attention became part of my identity. The lies that I believed, were that my value came from my body. Lies that I have spent years and years trying to overcome. Lies that Satan is still trying to whisper to me as I am moving forward with this operation. Even though I don't believe those lies, it is still pretty scary. Scary to be allowing someone to be do such a severe procedure on something that is such a part of my womanhood.
That's just the emotional stuff, there is also this whole other side that only has benefits and not scary at all. Like, being able to fold a load of laundry with out feeling a burning pain between my shoulder blades. Or being able to wear a bathing suit without getting a headache from the weight pulling down on my neck. Or going into a store and buying a cute dress that actually fits my whole body, instead of having to buy a sz 12 or 14 so that it fits over my chest. I'm so excited!!!! I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in July and I am actually going to be able to wear the cute little strapless dress!!!!!!! I actually had to have straps added to my own wedding dress, so that I would be able to wear it. The possibilities are endless.
It's still scary though. I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of a long recovery, I mean seriously, I have 3 small children that need me to be awesome (hee hee). I am trying to plan a FABULOUS Alice in Wonderland tea party for Brooklyn's 5th birthday, just 20 days after surgery....what if I can't do it? I'm intimidated by the inevitable scars. I'm afraid that I still won't be able to find dresses and bras and bathing suits that fit me. (I know that one doesn't make any sense, but I am trying to undo many years of psychological shopping hell in these areas)
Fear or not though, I am moving forward. Moving forward to a new me.
I will keep you all updated as my surgery gets closer and as it actually happens. (I'll have some down time as I recover)
Thanks for listening!
So on that note...............
I have a surgery date! For what you ask? I am having a breast reduction, on May 4th to be exact. I have a lot emotions, swirling around about this. Mostly excitement, but also some nervousness. I have wanted to have this surgery for a very long time, but having a surgery date, as of today, that's just a few weeks away, feels a little crazy.
The size of my...."assets" has been a big part of my life for a very long time. I started developing young and quickly. I remember being in the locker room at the public pool when I was about 13, and a woman (well I remember her being a woman, but she may have just been an older teenager) asked me if "they were real?" Are you kidding, I was child!!!! There were also these teenage boys on my paper route, (I was about 13-14 at the time) that used to yell at me "Hey big tits!" The attention was cruel for a girl in junior high. As I got older, the attention became part of my identity. The lies that I believed, were that my value came from my body. Lies that I have spent years and years trying to overcome. Lies that Satan is still trying to whisper to me as I am moving forward with this operation. Even though I don't believe those lies, it is still pretty scary. Scary to be allowing someone to be do such a severe procedure on something that is such a part of my womanhood.
That's just the emotional stuff, there is also this whole other side that only has benefits and not scary at all. Like, being able to fold a load of laundry with out feeling a burning pain between my shoulder blades. Or being able to wear a bathing suit without getting a headache from the weight pulling down on my neck. Or going into a store and buying a cute dress that actually fits my whole body, instead of having to buy a sz 12 or 14 so that it fits over my chest. I'm so excited!!!! I am going to be a bridesmaid in my friends wedding in July and I am actually going to be able to wear the cute little strapless dress!!!!!!! I actually had to have straps added to my own wedding dress, so that I would be able to wear it. The possibilities are endless.
It's still scary though. I'm afraid of the pain. I'm afraid of a long recovery, I mean seriously, I have 3 small children that need me to be awesome (hee hee). I am trying to plan a FABULOUS Alice in Wonderland tea party for Brooklyn's 5th birthday, just 20 days after surgery....what if I can't do it? I'm intimidated by the inevitable scars. I'm afraid that I still won't be able to find dresses and bras and bathing suits that fit me. (I know that one doesn't make any sense, but I am trying to undo many years of psychological shopping hell in these areas)
Fear or not though, I am moving forward. Moving forward to a new me.
I will keep you all updated as my surgery gets closer and as it actually happens. (I'll have some down time as I recover)
Thanks for listening!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Morning Suprise!
How does one vomit all over themselves and their bed and just keep on sleeping in it all night? I have no idea, but that is precisely what my Judah-man did last night. So this morning when he came into my room and curled up in my bed right next to me, I had no idea that he was covered in puke, and neither did he. What a lovely morning surprise! Although given the choice between discovering it in the morning or being up with a kid in the middle of the night who puked in his bed, having to change sheets and feeling obligated to bathe the pukey child. I would totally choose him sleeping in it all night and not knowing or caring. Especially 'cause he was sleeping in Brooklyn's bed with her last night and that would have meant waking up BOTH of them to change sheets and such. (Judah was at the foot of the bed and Brooklyn was untouched by the puke) I'm pretty sure that all this makes me sound like a bad mom....but what can I say? I really like my sleep. Feel free to judge me accordingly ;)
Friday, April 2, 2010
It's been a LONG 3 weeks
All I wanted tonight, was to get the kids in bed and go to bed early......HA!
As of 8:45 all 3 were still awake.
It's been a LONG 3 weeks. My man has been "working" all over Europe. (Amsterdam, Geneva, Brussels, Venice, Rome...to name a few. I know, he has it hard)
Back here at home I am way outmatched. There is 3 of them and only 1 of me. They make more mess than me. They make more noise than me. They have more energy than me.
When I have them one on one, I feel hopeful. There was a moment tonight-Brooklyn was cleaning her room, Judah was still in the tub and I was lotioning and jammying Joel. But then I had to buddy two of them back up for bedtime. Brooklyn and Judah are usually the worst combo at bed time, so I made the choice to put the boys together. BAD CHOICE! 30 minutes later, I moved Judah to Brooklyn's room, but it's 9:13 and I in fact just had to pause from writing, go upstairs, hand out 'discipline', and put Judah in my room. (I put them all in bed originally @ 7:30)
Why didn't I just put Judah in my bed in the first place? 'Cause remember my goal all along was to go straight to bed.
I still have to pay bills, dinner is not cleaned up and tomorrow will be a busy day. We have friends from Zambia in town. I LOVE this family! They went to our church in FL, heard the call on their life and moved to Zambia with their 8 kids to open a ranch for street boys. They are on sabbatical, touring the US, and in town for the weekend. Tomorrow afternoon they are coming to hang out with their 9 kids. I'm very excited, and not at all intimidated about having all 11 of them in my house-it just means that I need to get my house picked up. Like I said, it's been a long 3 weeks. Mike is so sad that he's missing the Walkers (family from Zambia), but he gets home soon. Only 3 more days.
While I was sorting the mail to pay the bills, I found a letter from the Wynn, Las Vegas offering us a really great rate on a 3 night get-a-way. That sounds REALLY nice right about now, but I would happily take just a morning off.
As of 8:45 all 3 were still awake.
It's been a LONG 3 weeks. My man has been "working" all over Europe. (Amsterdam, Geneva, Brussels, Venice, Rome...to name a few. I know, he has it hard)
Back here at home I am way outmatched. There is 3 of them and only 1 of me. They make more mess than me. They make more noise than me. They have more energy than me.
When I have them one on one, I feel hopeful. There was a moment tonight-Brooklyn was cleaning her room, Judah was still in the tub and I was lotioning and jammying Joel. But then I had to buddy two of them back up for bedtime. Brooklyn and Judah are usually the worst combo at bed time, so I made the choice to put the boys together. BAD CHOICE! 30 minutes later, I moved Judah to Brooklyn's room, but it's 9:13 and I in fact just had to pause from writing, go upstairs, hand out 'discipline', and put Judah in my room. (I put them all in bed originally @ 7:30)
Why didn't I just put Judah in my bed in the first place? 'Cause remember my goal all along was to go straight to bed.
I still have to pay bills, dinner is not cleaned up and tomorrow will be a busy day. We have friends from Zambia in town. I LOVE this family! They went to our church in FL, heard the call on their life and moved to Zambia with their 8 kids to open a ranch for street boys. They are on sabbatical, touring the US, and in town for the weekend. Tomorrow afternoon they are coming to hang out with their 9 kids. I'm very excited, and not at all intimidated about having all 11 of them in my house-it just means that I need to get my house picked up. Like I said, it's been a long 3 weeks. Mike is so sad that he's missing the Walkers (family from Zambia), but he gets home soon. Only 3 more days.
While I was sorting the mail to pay the bills, I found a letter from the Wynn, Las Vegas offering us a really great rate on a 3 night get-a-way. That sounds REALLY nice right about now, but I would happily take just a morning off.
Monday, March 29, 2010
"I'm Holding On to You"
"I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is a lie that's come true
And I fall in love
With the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you
Sing it out
Sing out loud
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody"
-Switchfoot
I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "My world is lie that's come true" and how that has been played out in my own life. I am broken and wounded. I'm also healed and redeemed, but the wounding is what I am constantly fighting against. How much of that brokeness and wounding in my life started out as lie? (rhetorical question)
A lie that the enemy whispered to me. A lie that I believed instead of believing what God says about me. A lie that I then lived out and let it become a part of me. The enemy is always going to be telling us lies- you're not a good mother, you're not pretty enough, you're a failure....etc.
The question is, do we allow those lies to become our world? I stumble around in deception all the time. In the moment, it seems easier than faith. I love what Kelly (my pastor) said about faith- "It is simply, 'Take what is left of me, make it a melody' "
I think I can handle that. Somedays my brokeness doesn't leave much left of me, but HE doesn't mind. After all He created us from dust!
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is a lie that's come true
And I fall in love
With the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you
Sing it out
Sing out loud
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody"
-Switchfoot
I've been thinking a lot about the phrase "My world is lie that's come true" and how that has been played out in my own life. I am broken and wounded. I'm also healed and redeemed, but the wounding is what I am constantly fighting against. How much of that brokeness and wounding in my life started out as lie? (rhetorical question)
A lie that the enemy whispered to me. A lie that I believed instead of believing what God says about me. A lie that I then lived out and let it become a part of me. The enemy is always going to be telling us lies- you're not a good mother, you're not pretty enough, you're a failure....etc.
The question is, do we allow those lies to become our world? I stumble around in deception all the time. In the moment, it seems easier than faith. I love what Kelly (my pastor) said about faith- "It is simply, 'Take what is left of me, make it a melody' "
I think I can handle that. Somedays my brokeness doesn't leave much left of me, but HE doesn't mind. After all He created us from dust!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
New Years!
Well, last night I got our New Years cards/picture put in envelopes, addressed and stamped!! YEAH. My goal was to have them sent out by Easter. This is actually the first time that I have ever even sent out Christmas cards. (they were supposed to be Christmas cards, but by the time I got them ordered it was New Years) I know there are lots of Mama's that are just as busy as I am, but it's not a huge priority for me, so it ends up on the back burner. Although, with the foot of snow sitting in my front yard right now, it doesn't seem like I'm that late getting my cards out. If the weather doesn't know it's spring, how am I supposed to :)
If you live here in Colorado, and see my kiddos all the time, don't expect to get one. If it takes me 3 1/2 months to send out cards, they're only making it to our friends and family that live far away, Sorry!
If you live here in Colorado, and see my kiddos all the time, don't expect to get one. If it takes me 3 1/2 months to send out cards, they're only making it to our friends and family that live far away, Sorry!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
NO Coffee For YOU!! (think soup nazi)
Taking the baby weight off this time has been an up and down battle. I think this is for more than just 1 reason.
1.) My body doesn't trust that I'm not about to just get pregnant again anyway, so what's the point? (yes, my body does have it's own mind)
2.) My kids are older and therefore we are busier, so it's harder to find time to get to the gym. AND more stress means more late night eating of ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, and wine
3.) One more kid around means the odds will be higher that one of the kids is sick and therefore, I can't stick them in childcare at the gym.
That third one is always the most damaging for me. It seems that without fail, every time I get into a really good groove-meaning I don't have to drag my butt there, I'm excited about my workouts and I'm seeing progress-somebody gets sick. And you all know that once one gets sick, it will move through the ranks one after another. This could mean 2 weeks away from the gym. If that doesn't kill your motivation......
The point of all this, is that I have given myself a little challenge. I have a goal in mind, it's not the 'BIG' goal, but it is a step along the way to my ultimate fabulous self ;) Until I reach that goal, I am not letting myself have any coffee. No starbucks, no morning coffee with yummy coffee mate creamer-the one high fructose corn syrup product that I can't bring myself to ban from the house. For those of you that know me, this is going to be very motivating! I love my coffee, probably too much. Some could even say that I'm addicted. I don't drink coffee all day or anything, but I love my morning fix. And when I don't get it, I think about it all day. And when I finally do get it, it makes feel happy. Like truly happy in my brain. (It was Dave Houle that helped me realize....That's an addiction.)
So if any of you see me twitching out, or rocking myself in the corner trying to find my happy place, you'll know why. Hopefully everyone stays healthy (knock on wood) and in 2 weeks or so, I'll be back to my happy place: a grande, non-fat latte in my hand and a twinkle in my eye
1.) My body doesn't trust that I'm not about to just get pregnant again anyway, so what's the point? (yes, my body does have it's own mind)
2.) My kids are older and therefore we are busier, so it's harder to find time to get to the gym. AND more stress means more late night eating of ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, and wine
3.) One more kid around means the odds will be higher that one of the kids is sick and therefore, I can't stick them in childcare at the gym.
That third one is always the most damaging for me. It seems that without fail, every time I get into a really good groove-meaning I don't have to drag my butt there, I'm excited about my workouts and I'm seeing progress-somebody gets sick. And you all know that once one gets sick, it will move through the ranks one after another. This could mean 2 weeks away from the gym. If that doesn't kill your motivation......
The point of all this, is that I have given myself a little challenge. I have a goal in mind, it's not the 'BIG' goal, but it is a step along the way to my ultimate fabulous self ;) Until I reach that goal, I am not letting myself have any coffee. No starbucks, no morning coffee with yummy coffee mate creamer-the one high fructose corn syrup product that I can't bring myself to ban from the house. For those of you that know me, this is going to be very motivating! I love my coffee, probably too much. Some could even say that I'm addicted. I don't drink coffee all day or anything, but I love my morning fix. And when I don't get it, I think about it all day. And when I finally do get it, it makes feel happy. Like truly happy in my brain. (It was Dave Houle that helped me realize....That's an addiction.)
So if any of you see me twitching out, or rocking myself in the corner trying to find my happy place, you'll know why. Hopefully everyone stays healthy (knock on wood) and in 2 weeks or so, I'll be back to my happy place: a grande, non-fat latte in my hand and a twinkle in my eye
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