The birthday post

Another year has passed and today is my birthday. It's been a weird one. Not because I'm being faced with "getting older" although, I am. When I see college kids, they look like babies to me. Watching the olympics this year, I've noticed that I'm older than most of the olympians. But it's not my age that's got me down. In fact, I've felt for most of my life that my birth certificate was a few years off. I've always "lived" a few years beyond my age. I'm still young, but I do feel like my youth is gone. Your youth is all about your dreams and ambitions, new experiences, choices, stary eyed hopes for the life you want. I think I can safely say, that stage of my life is over. Pardon my cynicism, but this is it. Married, 3 kids, 2 mortgages, 2 cars. My "career" has come and gone. No more stary-eyed dreams, no more choices (other than making mac n' cheese or sandwhiches for lunch) - just 'life'. Making the decision each day to me a good mom and wife. I love my kids, they are my little balls of sunshine. I wouldn't take away one minute of my time with them. But let me be brutally honest here, being the Mom of three preschoolers is not really all that fulfilling. Maybe I'm just a freak. I'm sure there are lots of full-time mommies that feel totally fulfilled in the laundry, and whining, and diapers, and discipline, and cooking but I'm just not there. It's not all bad, don't get me wrong. There's lots of giggles, and cuddles and playing barbies and batman, and walks to the park and kitchen dance parties, but in the end I'm still bored.
I'm also not so naive, to think that the grass is greener, 'cause it's not. We live in a sinful world, full of sinful people. And we are always going to be struggling with our sinful nature against our Heavenly Father and what he wants from us. Nobody said it would be easy. But this is what I do know to be truth. I am a daughter of The King. He has redeemed my life. He has showed me grace and hope and love, when I deserved it not. He continues to restore me in ways that I thought would always be broken. Even when I fight against Him, I know he looks on me with love and compassion. He knows what I need, more than what I think I want.
So that's that. For those of you that think I need an anti-depressant...maybe I do, but I'm not so short-sighted to think that this is how it will always be. Life is full of ebb and flow. Highs and Lows. Let me be dark and twisty for a bit and later I'll snap out of it and laugh about how lame I was, back when.
It's not pretty, but it's honest.